The Mystery of the Missing Schnitzel
AKA-the worst short story ever
Jack wandered through the jungle. Suddenly a polar bear leaped out from the long grass and reared up in front of him.
“Crap”
Then, from out of nowhere a man strode confidently forwards.
“Don’t move” he said in a voice jack instantly recognised. “It can’t see us if we don’t move!”
Jack froze, and sure enough the polar bear began waving its head from side to side in puzzlement. It soon gave up and left the two of them.
Jack turned to thank the man, but all that came out was “Wow! David Attenborough!”
“Indeed I am”
“Thanks for saving my life Mr Attenborough. I though that bear was going to gut me like a salmon being mauled by a lion”
“No problem at all, and please…call me David”
“Can I call you Dave?”
“No”
“Whatever Davey” Jack muttered as he awoke. He yawned and looked at the clock. Christ it was early, not even past the crack of noon yet. He considered having a lie in, but his stomach and bladder reminded him of more pressing needs.
After taking care of the more immediate threat of urination deficiency, Jack wandered into the living room. Lee was sat there, watching TV.
“Morning Lee”
“Hey man”
“Had that dream again”
“The one where you’re toilet paper or the David Attenborough one?”
“My tight compadre Dave of course. Why you up so early anyway?”
“Slept in the chair. The bedroom still smells funky from last week”
“Well I told you it was no place to brew moonshine in” He caught sight of a box on lees lap. “Any pizza left?”
“Nah, Big Ted came in at 3 and finished what was left”
“Who the hell’s big Ted?”
“Dunno man, but he kept rubbing my thigh and asking how I was feeling”
“Hmmm, maybe best if we not let him in again” Jack wandered in the direction of the kitchen.
“At least he takes an interest in me!” Lee called after him.
Jack went into the kitchen. He went to open the fridge and get out the schnitzel his mum had made him last week. He loved schnitzel and had been saving it for a special day. It hadn’t come so today would do. He had even labelled it “Jacks schnitzel, Hands off” so none of the other light fingered bastards would nab it. Well today was schnitzel time, and it would go down fine.
He opened the fridge and searched. And searched some more. Then he swore. And swore some more. Slamming the door shut he stormed into the living room.
“Where the hells my Schnitzel Lee?!” he demanded
“huh?”
“My fucking schnitzel you asshole. Did you eat it eh!? Like Eve eating the forbidden fruit you you you serpant! Striding into my garden fridge and taking what didn’t belong! ARGHGH”
“Hey man, I aint moved from this spot in 12 hours”
“Not even to piss?”
“Got my porta-loo set up right here” he said, lifting a beer bottle that had a funnel on top.
“Ha, a likely story. Well I won’t rest till I find out who did this. Wake up Kyle and Ron! We’re all gonna sit down and untangle this web of lies and intrigue till I know the truth. And swift retribution shall fall upon whom so ever is found guilty!”
Jack strode around the room, looking at each face. He had found his pipe, and was puffing away industriously. It contained something slightly more exotic than tobacco though, and his eyes moved about their sockets in a deranged fashion.
“I’m glad you could all come on such short noticccces.” He drawled. “I appreciate the fact that it’s been a tough time for all of us”
“Well, we all live here anyway…or have we been evicted again?”
“Quiet Kyle, I’m asking the questions here”
“Yeah Kyle. Shut up man and let the man talk man” said Lee
“Indeed Lee. Indeed. Now let me call to your attention THIS!” Jack picked up an empty plate from a nearby table. “Can anyone tell me what this is?”
“Urghg” Said Ron, who was still seriously hung over
“That’s right Ron. My empty Schnitzel plate, where my schnitzel was. Except I never got a chance to chow down on this most tasty of meat dishes. No, instead some asshole STOLE it, like a talking dog would steal a talent show”
“Well I’m a vegan, so guess that rules me out” Kyle said after the brief silence that followed this monologue
“That also means you’re a lefty, with harmful free thinking that directly combats the ruling elites. For all I know you probably set it free to roam like an antelope! However, it wasn’t your room I found this plate in. It was…YOURS RON!”
“Blurgh?”
“That’s right you little bitch, it was you. All evidence points that way, and now I’m gonna karate kick your ass”
Jack leaped and tried to kick Ron, who still hadn’t a clue what was going on. But because he was stoned out his face he fell backwards into Lee. The pizza box on his lap fell off and sprung open, revealing a half eaten schnitzel.
“My precious!” Jack said, going for it. He knocked over Lees porta-loo and the contents spilled over the schnitzel.
Jack looked horror struck, but then shrugged and ate it anyway.
“I guess that’s the end of this groovy mystery” Kyle said
Tuesday 26 June 2007
Saturday 23 June 2007
meh
nope, aint gonna mention that. instead....
tummy hurts. need to really eat more regularly. had a calzoney at work, which was nice. reckon i could make one of em if i had to. simple enough, just a brutti bread (which i can also do averagely) folded with the stuff cooked inside. food is good. take it from a man that used to try and sleep for 12 hours a day so he only had to have 2 meals a day. ah poverty, what a distant memory you are. So is the pain in my leg which it seems bloody everyone knew about and discussed on a regular basis. for the last bloody time its not a latex allergy. hell the shlong is fine, dare i say super sexy fine. but not really. I dislike subway now cause the 6inch sandwiches intimidate me and make me feel less of a man. particularly the meat ball marana. how could i possibly compete with a 5 testicled monstrosity like that
Got all the shit sorted out with my previous land lady. kinda a relief cause i had this nightmare scenario in my head where glasgow city council sues me for gross negligance or something. lesson learned there anyways-tis a bad idea to agree to a deal when the person you agree with can't speak english so well and you end up without a clue as to what the hell is going on.
back home for the weekend. tis a good place to be. tad concerned about andrew-health wise he's in worst shape than i probably was. And yet he still does these franky scary 60 hour working weeks on occasion. no worries though, we all know what misery seeks. a tweleve dollar hooker named krystal-with a k of course. heck been a while since i was last approached by a prostitute-reckon its a good sign about my new accomodation. all these scary "youth" kickin about though. its enough to make a 6ft tall broad shouldered angry young man like myself be afraid to venture outside. How dare they play in a public area in the sunshine-those monsters.
tired and tipsy, off to bed. mayhap see a few of the lads tommorrow
tummy hurts. need to really eat more regularly. had a calzoney at work, which was nice. reckon i could make one of em if i had to. simple enough, just a brutti bread (which i can also do averagely) folded with the stuff cooked inside. food is good. take it from a man that used to try and sleep for 12 hours a day so he only had to have 2 meals a day. ah poverty, what a distant memory you are. So is the pain in my leg which it seems bloody everyone knew about and discussed on a regular basis. for the last bloody time its not a latex allergy. hell the shlong is fine, dare i say super sexy fine. but not really. I dislike subway now cause the 6inch sandwiches intimidate me and make me feel less of a man. particularly the meat ball marana. how could i possibly compete with a 5 testicled monstrosity like that
Got all the shit sorted out with my previous land lady. kinda a relief cause i had this nightmare scenario in my head where glasgow city council sues me for gross negligance or something. lesson learned there anyways-tis a bad idea to agree to a deal when the person you agree with can't speak english so well and you end up without a clue as to what the hell is going on.
back home for the weekend. tis a good place to be. tad concerned about andrew-health wise he's in worst shape than i probably was. And yet he still does these franky scary 60 hour working weeks on occasion. no worries though, we all know what misery seeks. a tweleve dollar hooker named krystal-with a k of course. heck been a while since i was last approached by a prostitute-reckon its a good sign about my new accomodation. all these scary "youth" kickin about though. its enough to make a 6ft tall broad shouldered angry young man like myself be afraid to venture outside. How dare they play in a public area in the sunshine-those monsters.
tired and tipsy, off to bed. mayhap see a few of the lads tommorrow
Thursday 14 June 2007
those are a few of my favourite things
Your visions been blessed if I'm still fully dressed,
but before you leave me, here's one last request
Well no I don't care, no I don't mind,
if you don't hear a word from this broke heart of mine.
But can I borrow your face just to unload my mind
borrow your face just to unload my mind.
Well now I know I'm pathetic, I'm the sage of absurd,
but I won't violate you with touch but with words,
but there's no need to ask, shut your mouth, raise a glass,
but the youth that you drink to's already the past.
And the boy on your arm girl, you know he won't last,
the boy on your arm girl, you know he won't last.
My Madonna's undressin', her robes are all torn,
and I swear that she's callin' my name.
but for all her caresses, my senses are worn,
the feelin' is gone, and sweet lady, you just don't taste the same.
And I'll drink just to drive, if my love don't arrive,
I don't wanna survive, I don't wanna survive,
and all that I know is, I smile just for show,
and nobody's listenin', but everyone knows.
So just sit back and watch while my memory corrodes,
sit back and watch, while my memory corrodes.
And I curse my own comfort for the deaf and the blind,
'cause it's dark as a dungeon way down in my mind.
And I wake on the floor with my country at war,
and I wish I could care but my liver's too sore.
And if liquor's a lover, you know I'm a whore,
if liquor's a lover, you know I'm a whore.
My Madonna's undressin', her robes are all torn,
and I swear that she's callin' my name.
But for all her caresses, my senses are worn, the feelin' is gone,
and sweet lady, you just don't taste the same.
two gallants are a small american band that no one knows but me. Their songs are pure poetry as you can well see
but before you leave me, here's one last request
Well no I don't care, no I don't mind,
if you don't hear a word from this broke heart of mine.
But can I borrow your face just to unload my mind
borrow your face just to unload my mind.
Well now I know I'm pathetic, I'm the sage of absurd,
but I won't violate you with touch but with words,
but there's no need to ask, shut your mouth, raise a glass,
but the youth that you drink to's already the past.
And the boy on your arm girl, you know he won't last,
the boy on your arm girl, you know he won't last.
My Madonna's undressin', her robes are all torn,
and I swear that she's callin' my name.
but for all her caresses, my senses are worn,
the feelin' is gone, and sweet lady, you just don't taste the same.
And I'll drink just to drive, if my love don't arrive,
I don't wanna survive, I don't wanna survive,
and all that I know is, I smile just for show,
and nobody's listenin', but everyone knows.
So just sit back and watch while my memory corrodes,
sit back and watch, while my memory corrodes.
And I curse my own comfort for the deaf and the blind,
'cause it's dark as a dungeon way down in my mind.
And I wake on the floor with my country at war,
and I wish I could care but my liver's too sore.
And if liquor's a lover, you know I'm a whore,
if liquor's a lover, you know I'm a whore.
My Madonna's undressin', her robes are all torn,
and I swear that she's callin' my name.
But for all her caresses, my senses are worn, the feelin' is gone,
and sweet lady, you just don't taste the same.
two gallants are a small american band that no one knows but me. Their songs are pure poetry as you can well see
ego trippin on the gates of hell
there have been various complaints/complaints, about the lack of spelling and grammar and shit like that. well I have a few complaints of my own. I'm hungry and I spend too long alone and when the toilet upstairs flushes it makes a god awful racket that makes me want to kill small rabbits. so now we have things in perspective lets all look at my prospects. or not
had a nice not really romantic evening with my ladyfriend who always try avoid mentioning on this blog cause of internet piracy or something. cooked her chow-porkchop with (HOMEMADE) appple sauce and baby new potatoes. tasted good BUT my tummy hurts so i'm slightly worried about salmon ella or something along those lines. we then proceeded to spend the rest of the evening with my good friend dylan morran who fricken rocks. And then she left and I felt so alone so I went into gordons room and curled up beside him in bed and then he woke up and it was incredibly awkward and then I drowned my sorrows in cheap vodka and cheaper coke and wept tears of salt water.
today I cleaned some dishes and i also cleaned the toilet with my own urine. less brown more yellow is my motto. but not in a racist way so kindly don't kick me outta big brother even though its crrrrrraaaaappppp. I'm workin tommorrow morning (I think) and stuff like that.
BORRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEDDDDDD. I wanna go home and see my folks. bah I get homesick after 2 days. my brothers super awesome lets go crazy i wanna have your babies 21st birthday is coming up so that'll be as good a reason as any to trundle on down.
I tried to write a stand up routine last night. heres some of it
"An errection is a bit like a bus. you wait ages for one and then two come along at once. and theres always a moody old lady on it"
Once again. BOOOOOORRR3EEEEEDD
had a nice not really romantic evening with my ladyfriend who always try avoid mentioning on this blog cause of internet piracy or something. cooked her chow-porkchop with (HOMEMADE) appple sauce and baby new potatoes. tasted good BUT my tummy hurts so i'm slightly worried about salmon ella or something along those lines. we then proceeded to spend the rest of the evening with my good friend dylan morran who fricken rocks. And then she left and I felt so alone so I went into gordons room and curled up beside him in bed and then he woke up and it was incredibly awkward and then I drowned my sorrows in cheap vodka and cheaper coke and wept tears of salt water.
today I cleaned some dishes and i also cleaned the toilet with my own urine. less brown more yellow is my motto. but not in a racist way so kindly don't kick me outta big brother even though its crrrrrraaaaappppp. I'm workin tommorrow morning (I think) and stuff like that.
BORRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEDDDDDD. I wanna go home and see my folks. bah I get homesick after 2 days. my brothers super awesome lets go crazy i wanna have your babies 21st birthday is coming up so that'll be as good a reason as any to trundle on down.
I tried to write a stand up routine last night. heres some of it
"An errection is a bit like a bus. you wait ages for one and then two come along at once. and theres always a moody old lady on it"
Once again. BOOOOOORRR3EEEEEDD
Wednesday 6 June 2007
!
seems theres to be an orgy at my place next tues
what can we expect?
MACHINES
christ kinda worried, doesn't make such a good impression on the nieghbors when you're organising group sex after a week of movin in
i kid of course...leastways i hope its kidding
regardless there will be hooch and me owning at videogames. just like back home man. good times
what can we expect?
MACHINES
christ kinda worried, doesn't make such a good impression on the nieghbors when you're organising group sex after a week of movin in
i kid of course...leastways i hope its kidding
regardless there will be hooch and me owning at videogames. just like back home man. good times
Tuesday 5 June 2007
JANE
There once was a girl called jane
who was quite the opposite of lame
she was quite partial to vodka and lemonade
and after a few liked to sing and serronade
and after a few more she would expose her chest
and flash her awesome and fantastic breasts
but not really thats just what i tell her to do
cause ole bobby boy can be pretty crude
but in all seriousness jane is pretty cool
and sorry this song sucks but i need a drink
alalalalalalalala and an amusing aardvark
dum dee dumm dummmmmmmmmmmmmm
dum
who was quite the opposite of lame
she was quite partial to vodka and lemonade
and after a few liked to sing and serronade
and after a few more she would expose her chest
and flash her awesome and fantastic breasts
but not really thats just what i tell her to do
cause ole bobby boy can be pretty crude
but in all seriousness jane is pretty cool
and sorry this song sucks but i need a drink
alalalalalalalala and an amusing aardvark
dum dee dumm dummmmmmmmmmmmmm
dum
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