Communicating Last Wishes

He beckoned me close, and whispered words in my ear. Then he died, and I walked out of that room and into this room where they had been sitting, leaning and standing. We were all clad in white robes, as was the custom when someone had passed or was soon expected to, excepting Jennifer who had come straight from work.

I told them what had happened.

Then I said this.

“That is why I am standing here now, to say exactly as he did to me. And from there we can decide. His instructions were very specific so I don’t expect that reaching a decision will be overly difficult”

I looked to my right.

“First of all…David, I’m sorry, but he said that although he liked you well enough, he never really loved you. He didn’t say it out of anger or malice, only truth. Perhaps it’s just down to the way you are, or the way he was or some combination of the two. Whatever the reason, he said you weren’t to worry about it. As money has never been an issue for you, and you have spent much of your life successfully employed in various middle management jobs at various fast food franchises, none of his own fortune was dedicated to you. However, knowing your love of travel and adventure, he did leave you both his hot air balloon and his Kawasaki JS400 jet ski, upon the condition that you utilize both in an elaborate stunt of which he left specific diagrams detailing”

David looked confused and tired, as he always did. But he nodded anyway. A few tears ran down his face, hugging its crevices. Like the tears he was always willing to follow the path of least resistance.

I looked towards the largest chair, which contained the smallest and frailest person of the group.
“Sarah, he was married to you for forty two years, and said the good parts of it far outweighed the bad. He definitely did love you, and his biggest regret was keeping that small piece of himself away from you as he did with everyone else. He though he needed that piece as security, something that would remain whole should circumstances end up breaking other parts of him. But at the very end it only served to burden him. He also said that you should consider yourself free of any obligations that you might feel you have towards him, and act only in a way that will bring you the most happiness. To you he has left the mansion, and all possessions contained within, barring those that were dedicated elsewhere”

The woman stared numbly through her glasses with equally glassy eyes. She was in no condition to say anything. However, the attractive young lady to her right made as if to speak. I had expected her to be more reserved, what with being a nurse at the geriatric ward and presumably used to the solemnity of death. I immediately cut her off, needing to maintain my flow.

“He knew about your affair Jennifer, and keeping it a secret hurt him. Although he never met your husband no man deserves to be lied to in such a way. That was all he said about you, excepting the $50, 00000 in personal assets that were set aside for you”

Her eyes widened in a satisfying manner, and she bit her lip. Firm as my resolution had been, I found it hard not to be aroused by the sight. I quickly turned away and faced a man whose face resembled that of a decomposing bulldog.

“To his loyal butler and lifelong companion Benson Sévantman, faithful since the day he was born he gives you his deluxe Monopoly set that the two of you enjoyed so many games of together upon a dreary autumn afternoon. The only exception to this is the get out of jail free card, which he has elected to be buried with.”

Any change in expression produced by this information was impossible to gauge. Some of the folds shifted in what might have either been a wry smile or a bitter grimace.

“Arnold, you know as well as anyone the odd sort of humour he had. It was common knowledge that you were only hired as gardener because of your diminutive stature and your resemblance to the traditional depiction of folklore gnomes. Yet many, including yourself I suspect viewed any indignities upon you as…small price to pay for your uncommonly large salary. For you, he left his Canadian Gold mine, providing that you yourself act as employee there. Fortunately no particular position was specified, so I’m sure you could some find comfortable executive slot to fill”

An uncontrolled fit of coughing suddenly gripped me and it felt as if I was bringing up myself from within. It was a terrible sensation that lasted an age. Jennifer began to rise to my aid, but I regained my composure and waved her away.

I paused, and walked over to a counter where a bottle of Catdaddy corn whisky sat, complete with adjacent tumblers. I poured myself a generous measure, not regarding it as impolite given the circumstances. Several of the other people in the room already had beverages, and in fact I regarded it as poor hosting that I had not already been offered one.

I sipped slowly, my taste buds noting with some surprise the slight medicinal taste. But there were more important tasks for it right now.

“These were his last wishes, his dying request. It is well known that he never intended at any point in his life to write a will or other legal documents detailing the distribution of his estates. He never really trusted the written word, after all that business with library card form and the federal agency”

“I don’t know why he chose me for his last conversation, one sided as it was. He was always such a difficult man to understand. But while he often kept his motives secret and his actions obscure, the successes they yielded are as plain as the mahogany furniture in this room. Belief and trust are things not readily won, and it would be wrong of me to automatically expect them from you. I leave it entirely up to you if you wish to act upon the things I have said. The things that he in turn said to me. The only thing I can do is offer you all my deepest sympathies. I’m not just saying this. I’m meaning it, which is something people seldom do with the words from their mouths”

I looked at each of their faces intently, excepting Jennifer whose body I looked at intently. A knowing glance passed between us.

That glance didn’t last though, because so many other stares were crossing its path and following the trail back to my own eyes. I began to feel uncomfortable under all this attention and sat down in one of those thick mahogany chairs that I had just been speaking about.
Sarah began muttering something, the first sound any other person had made so far. I strained to hear her.

“Shitcuntfuckcuntwhosaywhosawwhoyou”

The words, or word as it was spoken so quickly and without pause took me aback somewhat, but it was always said that there was a history of mental illness in the family. And if anything could break a mind the death of someone you loved would.

Fortunately Jennifer rose to the occasion and from her seat. She approached me and took the nearby bottle of Catdaddy, pouring a small measure which she then handed to the poor woman. She helped her sip it and it immediately caused Sarah to quieten down. Tonic for the catatonic I thought to myself.

Jennifer looked up from her nursing of Sarah and shot me a disapproving look. She came up to me and led me away from the others. We stood in the corner, just on the cusp of each other’s personal space.

“That wasn’t a kind thing to say” she said in an unkind voice.

“I wasn’t aware that I had spoken” I said, honestly.

“That has always been one of your problems”

“We all have our problems” I said. “Problems with control and problems with marriages. I only have one of those. You have both”

I wondered if I had pushed too far, but she only sighed a little and nodded.
“I love you” she said. “I wish I didn’t but I do”

Privately I thought she only loved the idea of being in love, as was the case with most people. I found loving a lot more difficult. I wasn’t even sure if I loved my mother. Yet I thought that maybe, slowly and surely I was beginning to love this woman.

I decided that now was the time to reveal my plan to her.

“We could leave here,” I said. “Elope from dreary lives to distant lands. Why with the fortune you’ve been mysteriously and conveniently left we would no longer have to live in a world of lowered ceilings and defeated horizons”

Her eyes moistened “Nothing would make me happier than if you were able to leave this place. But you’re sick. And we can’t let you go until you get better”

“Don’t you mean that you can’t let me go?”

Jennifer looked down and nodded. But what she said was true enough. I had been feeling very poorly as of late, and a great deal of my time was spent either sleeping or resting. In fact this perpetual convalescence was beginning to wear quite thin with me.

As if on queue another bought terrible coughing returned, causing me to double up. The pain was both distant and intense. Jennifer quickly brought me a chair, a spindly metal thing, and lowered me into it. I’d rather have had one of those rich mahogany ones but they appeared to have been taken away. Only these cheap mass produced things remained.

Jennifer brought me something to drink and I took a deep draught of the Catdaddy whisky, the crystal tumbler feeling oddly like plastic. It steadied my body, lowering my convulsions to a mere shudder.

I held myself and began rocking back and forth, huddled in my white robe.

“I wish to leave” I said quietly.

“You can’t” said the nurse.

typing "awesome" into ebay search just to kill time

People often ask me "Robert, what was your favourite saturday morning cartoon featuring a hollywood celebrity" and I invariably answer "why Jackie Chan Adventures of course" with it's colourful blend of characters and rich emmersive plotlines few shows could match it for viewing pleasure

Generic party chat

Have nothing to say at parties? feel like the social outcast? sitting alone in the corner watching the jackets? Fear not! with these general phrases and ice breakers you'll soon find yourself the heart of any party.

Ain’t nothing but a chicken wing

Livin it large and keeping it fresh

Shit gets real, I get shittin

Lets score coconuts to sip rum outta them

Dude you can totally see her over the shoulder boulder holder through that top

I’m just gonna freestyle it tonight

When you talk shit, means your full of shit

Wanna go out and buy a novelty cake?

I dunno man, there’s enough hot dog here to end up in anybodies bun

If you gonna stick it to the man, better wear protection

I’ll go where I please, and please where I go

The frosty jacks fair game, anything else merits a courtesy call

Twisters no more gay than slow mo rugby

No one do lines where folk gotta piss

Bathroom locks just a dumb idea man. People could die

Why we playin dance music when there’s nowhere to mufa fuckin dance

You so crazy, I think I wanna have your babies

You freak out that easy you aint gonna last the night

It’s a marathon, not a race

Every drink tastes better when its been set on fire-that’s like science

Power naps are cool cause they got the word power in them

If you spew you gotta clean it up-that’s like the law

Dude your totally red baroning-she’s gonna shoot you down in FLAMES

Drinking games? Man it aint no game-tis serious business

This shits lamer than free view porn

She’d even be a MILF when the baby was comin out

Look whose Tapping

Mummy sat on the couch, looking sick and tired and fat and happy.
“Come and feel this Robbie-bobby” she said to me.
I do as she says, though I don’t really want to. I never mind people touching me, but I don’t like to touch them.

I put my hand on her tummy slow, in case she bursts. She moves it to where she wants it to be, and I feel the bump bump, like someone is knocking on a door inside her.

“That’s your little brother” Mummy says. “He’s saying hi to us”

This makes touching her ok, as it feels like he is the one trying to touch me. I put my ear to her tummy and listen. Her belly button is like the hole of the sea shell from St Andrews. I hear the ocean rush in it, and then I feel my ear being kicked. I back away, thinking my little brother will be a lot like my big one.

“Maybe he’s trying to tell you something in Morse code” says Daddy, who has been watching us over his paper. He then tells me what Morse code is and I try beeping S.O.S. It works, and I know what I am beeping even though it makes no sense to mummy and daddy. They might be grown up but they aren’t smart a lot of the time.

·

Later I wake up. Its night and it’s noisy. Everyone snores but me. I get up to pee. Even though I could pee anywhere I pee in the toilet. I step down the hall and listen at their door. Daddy has a loud steady snore, like one from T.V. Mummy’s snore is amazing. She sounds like she is cutting farts with a chainsaw. They both sleep so heavy because they have to, and because they love each other, so I don’t worry about waking them.

I wonder if my little brother is snoring too. He’s probably awake, with all that noise so close. I walk into their room and stand by my Mummy. I put my head on her tummy and listen through the covers.

The thuds come, gentle and hard, dots and dashes. My brother is trying to tell me something, and I use my Morse code to work it out.

Soft soft soft hard hard hard soft soft soft. S.O.S. he’s asking for help.

I tab a message on the tummy back to him “are you ok?”


“Hello?” he says, or kicks. “Can you get me out of here?”

“I don’t think so,” I tap back. “I think you have a few months to go.”

“Sentenced to nine months jail without even a trial. Life isn’t fair sometimes.”

“I’m sorry” I tap

“Oh well. What’s it like out there anyway. I don’t want to discover I’m trading one prison in for another.”

I look around the small dark room that smells like my Mummy and Daddy when they smell.
“It’s ok” I tap. “What’s you’re name?”

But all this tapping has finally woken up my Mummy and she tells me in an angry voice to go back to bed.

·

Sometime later my little brother is born and when he comes home we all gathers around. My mummy and daddy haven’t thought of what to call him yet.

“His name’s Jamie” I say, wondering again why they aren’t always very smart.

Least manly moment?

Buying the Glee CD online whilst the entirely library looks on

: (

Ebays Ebitch

I spent all my Valentines money on yugioh cards from ebay.

As we are often heard to say in these parts-"There is no possible way that this could end badly"

Farcical Hair

I shaved my beard off.

It was lonely so it took some skin
with it.

It would't go down the sink
because it was too big
So tried flushing it down
the toilet, but
it just danced on the cresting
foam, riding out the wave
and coming out the tunnel
like a pro surfer

I scooped it out and tried to throw
it in the bin but
it clung to my hand like a
frightened infant

Eventually i unclasped its
many fingers and went out to
buy milk

BUT! my face was so cold
so i went back home
and opened the bin
and now i have a beard again