semi errotic smurf fan fiction

First came on the stockings, lacy and white, matching her thong. Then over the shoulders went the cream dress, strapless and just long enough to be short of scandalous. She then brushed her thick peroxide hair till all the flicks were in just the right places. Apply moonlight foundation, a couple squirts of le Pays maudit and then finally and with a pout violet lipstick is liberally applied. She blew herself a kiss in the mirror and turned to the person behind her.
“How do I look?” she said
“Christ” said Vanity, her gay roommate “And I thought I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror”
She stood up and spanked him playfully through his crotch-tight beige jeans
“You can’t rush smurfection” Smurfette said.
“Whatever” replied Vanity.

Just then Smurfette’s phone rang. She looked at the call ID and rolled her eyes. “Papa don’t preach” she muttered before answering.
“Hi daddy…yes yes I’m fine…no nothing really, just about to go out foraging…Vanity…no he doesn’t have a girlfriend yet…I know its baffling, him being such a sharp dresser…yes I’m eating enough”
She turned to Vanity and pressed her tongue against the inside of her mouth a couple times. Vanity stifled a giggle. “so much for daddy’s good little girl” he whispered.
“Yes ok…ok…bye daddy” she hung up and sighed.
“Foraging, eh?” said Vanity
“Well…foraging for men” she said with a smile. “Good men are hard to find out there, you know.”
“I thought it was that hard men were good to find” said Vanity. He pulled smurfette towards the door. “Come on girlfriend, let’s go get smurfed”

·

After skipping the queue and charming her way past Hefty, who was on door that night, Vanity and Smurfette stepped into The Forrest, known to be the hippest venue in the land. Music blared and eyes leered at the two of them.
“I hate smurno music” Vanity complained
“A few Smurfbucas will see to that. But why are they all staring?” Smurfette asked
“Well, it was kind of cold out there you know”
“So?”
“So your snipples are showing through your dress”
“Oh. Oh well, let’s see if these blue bullets can set us up with some free drinks.” She made her way purposefully to the bar, turning back to call to Vanity, “What’ll it be?”
“Triple gin and slim line tonic” he shouted.
“A smurfnoff ice it is”
“Smurf you bitch”
Sure enough as soon as Smurfette had wiggled her way to the front of the bar a hand was placed on hers and a voice spoke over the music. “Pint of John smurf extra smooth and whatever the lady is having” it said.
“What a gentleman” she said, before placing a lengthy order
“Someone’s looking to get smurfed tonight” the voice commented
She smiled and stroked the hand “Someone might get smurfed tonight if they’re lucky” she then picked up the drinks and walked away, not even pausing to think that she hadn’t even seen the face that went with the hand.
“Fucking cocktease” he muttered.

She returned to Vanity, spilling some of the drinks on her dress in the process.
“What a mess you are” said Vanity
“And that’s only the start” she said, knocking back two of the shots.
“Uh oh” Vanity pointed “Look who it is”
Five figures strode into the club, all jeans and leather jackets. Their trumpet like appendages sprouted from their heads, throbbing thick and virile. An aura of quiet menace seemed to emanate from them and wherever they stepped people made way.
“I hate fucking Snorks” said Vanity, as they all squared up the punching machine that lay in the corner. “They’re selfish, stupid vain bastards that only think with their snorkles.
“Sounds a lot like someone I know” commented Smurfete
“Oh whatever. Just promise me right now kitten that you’ll stay away from them”
“Fine”

Time passed. People passed out. Magical mushrooms were passed around. All the usual things happened. Smurfette had been grouped and grinded against but none of her suitors seemed to suit her. The smoke machine was working overtime, probably so that those coupling on the dance floor were spared the sight of their partners. Hot, sweaty and need fresh air, Smurfette stepped outside for a smiggarete. Vanity had long ago disappeared, no doubt hoping to convince the juicy barman that he was secretly gay.
Stepping into the cool night air she took her smokes from between her cleavage (nature’s handbag) but realized that she didn’t have a lighter. Swearing, she pattered her various recesses in the hope that one would miraculously emerge.

“Here” a flame came towards the prone tip and she put it in her mouth, puffing with grateful desperation.
“Thanks” she said, turning to her pyrotechnic saviour. With a slight start she saw it was one of the Snorks from earlier. He looked like he had been carved from stone, so still and hard he stood. He lit his own smiggarete and took a deep draw. By ember glow Smurfete saw that only his eyes were soft, looking weary as they rested upon her.
“Some night” he said.
“Sure is. Where’d you’re friends go?”
“Sniffing skirt inside”
“And you’re not?”
“I have a cold.” He took another draw and blew a ring from his snorkel. “Not much of a people person anyway”
“Oh you’re not doing so bad”
“That’s cause you’re a person, not people. Persons are fine until you put them together”
“So I guess that makes you a person person” said smurfete, smiling.
“I guess it does”

Smurfete moved closer and touched his leather jacket lightly. “So why the get up, Mr Danny Zuko. Surely being in a gang doesn’t benefit a non-people person like you. In fact you don’t seem much like gang material at all”

He shrugged “Appearances can fool. Case in point over there.” He pointed to a nearby bush where smurfete could just make out Vanity tugging away at one of the other Snorks snorkel
“What a hypocrite” she said, laughing.
“And what about you” the snork asked
“What about me”
“Well, the slutty dress and bad girl attitude doesn’t really go with the fact that you’re a virgin”
Smurfete blushed a deep amethyst. “Oh well…that…I…your wrong…but” She finally settled on a defeated “how?”
The snork pointed to his snorkel. “These things can do a lot, as you’re friend in the bush is about to find out. One thing they can do is sniff bullshit. So…why the act?”
Smurfete sighed. “The usual cliché. Found out my papa wasn’t actually my papa and I was actually created by an evil wizard. Both wanted different things of me so of course I ended up hating each of them. Freudy smurf would have a field day with me”
“Well that’s some pretty fucked up shit”

Smurfete smiled. It was strange, but just hearing someone admit how weird her life was made her feel a whole lot better about herself. “Yeah, it sure is she said”
“Hey, Buddy!”
The two turned around to see a large smurf approaching, looking very angry.
“There a problem here?” the snork asked, standing in front of smurfete
“Damn right there is. I bought this chick a shit load of hooch and I expect some return for my investment. And I come out here to see some ass hat cashing in my account. Well fat chance pal!”
He threw a punch at the snork who ducked. As he rose back so to did his snorkel and it caught the smurf clean on the chin, who fell to the floor and didn’t get back up.
“See, told you these things could do a lot” said the snork, rubbing his head with a wince.

Later on smurfete had found her way back to the flat. She had met up with Vanity (while he was wiping his mouth and muttering something about salt) and the two of them gossiped with each other about the nights events. Vanity’s dislike of Snorks seemed to have curiously vanished, so smurfete didn’t feel bad about revealing that she had ignored his earlier advice.
“Well if he’s half the snork mine was, then you’ve a lot to the look forward to little lady” he said
“Oh hush up you” she replied with a giggle.

In a dark dark castle a dark dark man spoke in a dark dark voice.
“And you think you can bring her back to our side?”
“Yes master”
“You’re sure?”
“Best way to crack a person is to break their heart”
“Excellent work, Allstar
“Thank you, master Gargamel” replied the snork.