reasons to stop writing.

The Mystery of the Missing Schnitzel
AKA-the worst short story ever

Jack wandered through the jungle. Suddenly a polar bear leaped out from the long grass and reared up in front of him.
“Crap”
Then, from out of nowhere a man strode confidently forwards.
“Don’t move” he said in a voice jack instantly recognised. “It can’t see us if we don’t move!”
Jack froze, and sure enough the polar bear began waving its head from side to side in puzzlement. It soon gave up and left the two of them.
Jack turned to thank the man, but all that came out was “Wow! David Attenborough!”
“Indeed I am”
“Thanks for saving my life Mr Attenborough. I though that bear was going to gut me like a salmon being mauled by a lion”
“No problem at all, and please…call me David”
“Can I call you Dave?”
“No”
“Whatever Davey” Jack muttered as he awoke. He yawned and looked at the clock. Christ it was early, not even past the crack of noon yet. He considered having a lie in, but his stomach and bladder reminded him of more pressing needs.

After taking care of the more immediate threat of urination deficiency, Jack wandered into the living room. Lee was sat there, watching TV.
“Morning Lee”
“Hey man”
“Had that dream again”
“The one where you’re toilet paper or the David Attenborough one?”
“My tight compadre Dave of course. Why you up so early anyway?”
“Slept in the chair. The bedroom still smells funky from last week”
“Well I told you it was no place to brew moonshine in” He caught sight of a box on lees lap. “Any pizza left?”
“Nah, Big Ted came in at 3 and finished what was left”
“Who the hell’s big Ted?”
“Dunno man, but he kept rubbing my thigh and asking how I was feeling”
“Hmmm, maybe best if we not let him in again” Jack wandered in the direction of the kitchen.
“At least he takes an interest in me!” Lee called after him.

Jack went into the kitchen. He went to open the fridge and get out the schnitzel his mum had made him last week. He loved schnitzel and had been saving it for a special day. It hadn’t come so today would do. He had even labelled it “Jacks schnitzel, Hands off” so none of the other light fingered bastards would nab it. Well today was schnitzel time, and it would go down fine.
He opened the fridge and searched. And searched some more. Then he swore. And swore some more. Slamming the door shut he stormed into the living room.
“Where the hells my Schnitzel Lee?!” he demanded
“huh?”
“My fucking schnitzel you asshole. Did you eat it eh!? Like Eve eating the forbidden fruit you you you serpant! Striding into my garden fridge and taking what didn’t belong! ARGHGH”
“Hey man, I aint moved from this spot in 12 hours”
“Not even to piss?”
“Got my porta-loo set up right here” he said, lifting a beer bottle that had a funnel on top.
“Ha, a likely story. Well I won’t rest till I find out who did this. Wake up Kyle and Ron! We’re all gonna sit down and untangle this web of lies and intrigue till I know the truth. And swift retribution shall fall upon whom so ever is found guilty!”


Jack strode around the room, looking at each face. He had found his pipe, and was puffing away industriously. It contained something slightly more exotic than tobacco though, and his eyes moved about their sockets in a deranged fashion.
“I’m glad you could all come on such short noticccces.” He drawled. “I appreciate the fact that it’s been a tough time for all of us”
“Well, we all live here anyway…or have we been evicted again?”
“Quiet Kyle, I’m asking the questions here”
“Yeah Kyle. Shut up man and let the man talk man” said Lee
“Indeed Lee. Indeed. Now let me call to your attention THIS!” Jack picked up an empty plate from a nearby table. “Can anyone tell me what this is?”
“Urghg” Said Ron, who was still seriously hung over
“That’s right Ron. My empty Schnitzel plate, where my schnitzel was. Except I never got a chance to chow down on this most tasty of meat dishes. No, instead some asshole STOLE it, like a talking dog would steal a talent show”
“Well I’m a vegan, so guess that rules me out” Kyle said after the brief silence that followed this monologue
“That also means you’re a lefty, with harmful free thinking that directly combats the ruling elites. For all I know you probably set it free to roam like an antelope! However, it wasn’t your room I found this plate in. It was…YOURS RON!”
“Blurgh?”
“That’s right you little bitch, it was you. All evidence points that way, and now I’m gonna karate kick your ass”
Jack leaped and tried to kick Ron, who still hadn’t a clue what was going on. But because he was stoned out his face he fell backwards into Lee. The pizza box on his lap fell off and sprung open, revealing a half eaten schnitzel.
“My precious!” Jack said, going for it. He knocked over Lees porta-loo and the contents spilled over the schnitzel.
Jack looked horror struck, but then shrugged and ate it anyway.
“I guess that’s the end of this groovy mystery” Kyle said