yay obscure pop culture references

Bob the devil and god

I looked down at my corpse. It was a bad way to die, on the bog. I hoped no one would make a big thing of it. Then again, it was how Elvis went. And at least I wasn’t halfway through anything. Still, it did lack a certain panache to it.

I turned to the tall cowled figure that I knew would be there. “Allo”
“Hello Bob”
“Don’t fancy a game of chess do you?”
“No”
“Ah, right. Didn’t think so. Maybe some guitar hero?”
He shook his head. There was an air of finality to the movement, but then I guess that was to be expected.
“Fair enough” I said. BY THE WAY. WHY AREN’T YOU TALKING LIKE THIS. COPY WRITE INFRINGMENT?
He looked at me. Then he swung his scythe.
“I liked you better in the books!” I yelled as I drifted away into nothingness

I appeared in a dazzling white plane of infinite majesty. It hurt my eyes a lot. Once I adjusted to the glare I saw there was a queue of people. Seeing nothing else to do I queued with them. In front of me was a guy in a gorilla suit. Or maybe it was a woman. Or maybe it was a really shabby gorilla with a zip stuck to it. I tapped him/her/it on the shoulder.

“scuse me” I asked “what are we queuing for?”
“Huh?” he (it was a guy) turned and looked as confused as only a man in a gorilla costume could. I repeated my question.
“Dunno. Heaven I guess. I just got ere myself”
“Ok…and why the gorilla suit?”
“It’s what I was in when I died. I think that’s how you appear here. And I’m hopin that’s why you got your walaper out”
I looked down and saw I was still undone and dropped. I hastily pulled up.
“Sorry”
“S’ok. Lotta folk I seen ahead aint got anything on at all.
“Really? Any of em foxy?” I craned my neck to see.
“Nut”
“Ah well, I guess perving in a queue for heaven isn’t that smart anyways”

We waited for an eternity. It wasn’t so bad given that time no longer existed. Plus I’d been to Disney land, so I knew a thing or two about queuing. Through tact, bartering, subtle nudging and delicate social manoeuvring I managed to skip at least 50000 people. It was amazing what the naked ones would do for a sock. After what I assumed to be 27 years, based on no evidence whatsoever I found myself at the doors to a massive emerald palace. It reminded me a lot of that time I tried to get into a really swanky club.

I approached the door man and smiled. “allo”
He took out a list and consulted it “Name?”
“Bob Teresa. Mother Teresa was my great aunt”
“No shit? can you show me some I.D then?”
“Maybe I could show you this” I reached into my pocket and pulled out my other sock. I hoped it had the same value here as it did in the Queue. He took it from me, looked furtively around and pocketed it. “All right step inside”
I did so. Inside…was another queue. Smaller this time, only a few miles long.

After a few days I came to a set of massive pearly gates. There was a figure bathed in golden light in front of them. I put on a pair of sunglasses which I had exchanged yet another sock for-it’s a good thing I always carry a few spares. It looked like meatballs with eyes and noodley appendages. I approached

“Behold the gates of heaven!” It boomed “Are you not blinded by the majesty of them?”
I wasn’t, but then I had my shades on. Sides, it sounded like a rhetorical question.
“Now comes the time of judgement! Your multitude of benign sins will be weighed against the pitiful amount of good you have done during your life. Then we shall decide if you are worthy, or if you will damned to eternal torment! But first, tell me. Do you think you have sinned greatly?”
I thought about it “Umm not really. Does masturbation count as a sin?”
“Yes!”
Crap “Well do you count it as a one off, or separately each time?”
“Each time!”
Shit. Well that was that. I was screwed. Damned by my own hand, pun intended. Unless…
“You don’t want any socks do you?”
“Silence! Now await your judgement”
I awaited. The scales of justice slammed so heavily to one side, they cracked the ground. Christ, twice a day really added up after 10 years.

“You have been judged! Hell awaits you” the figure pointed at me and lightning shot out its noodley appendage

There was a rushing sensation. Like being on oblivion at Alton towers. It was kind of fun really, if you forgot the destination. The golden light was turning a dark dark red. And I fell and fell and fell. Then I hit the bottom. But landed on something fairly soft. I looked down. It was J.K Rowling. She was unconscious.

“Who enters the kingdom of hell” a sinister voice asked from the crimson darkness.
“Who wants to know?” I asked suspiciously.
“Me” a fat bearded old man stepped towards me. I stared in slight puzzlement.
“Surprised worm? After all, what better way for I to renounce god than to take all meaning away from his only sons birthday”
“Plus there’s the anagram” I said helpfully
“Quiet worm, now begins your torment. You must have sex with J.K Rowling…for eternity!”
I thought about it and scrutinized J.K Rowling’s unconscious body for a while. She wasn’t all that unattractive. Plus older women knew things…
A thought occurred to me.
What if I challenged you to a rock off?”
The old fat man sighed “What are your terms and what instrument?”
“Guitar hero”