Fiction from (apparently) friction man

task-write about yourself from the point of view of an imaginary friend

John looked around the bar and saw Robert spread in the corner, reading the paper. He must have felt his eyes on him because he looked up and gave a nod. He walked on over and sat down next to him. Robert had been doing the Sudoku, and John saw immediately that he had been going wrong. He waited in silence for his friend to discover this, and smiled when a muttered curse told of his discovery.

“I used to be good at those” Robert said, tossing the paper aside.
“Getting old” John replied.
“That I am. You don’t want to know where I’ve been finding grey hairs” He downed the last dregs of his pint. “Drink?”
“It’s my turn to b…”
“Too slow. You’re getting a Fosters unless you say different” Robert got up and took his glass to the bar.

While he waited, John nabbed the paper and browsed. He was midway through the credit crunch, where every face had a monocle and top hat drawn on when Robert returned, drinks in hand. He sat down heavily and spilled some drink on himself. “Bah” he said, scowling. Both pints had straws in them.

John frowned “Been here long?” he asked. His friend looked worst for wear. Well, worster for wearer than normal anyway.
“Nah, just really tired from work is all” Robert replied, yawning for effect. And he really did, wincing as he shifted position.
“Still doing shit shifts?”
Robert shrugged “Fraid so. Thirteen hour one yesterday”
“Isn’t that illegal?”
Another shrug “Yeah, well so’s incest. But every night me and my sister curl up to each other whilst mumsy looks on.”
“You don’t have a sister” John pointed out

Roberts face went strange. The studied indifference changed and softened. The granite cleaved chin went chalky. He spoke softly in reply too “I kinda semi quasi not really do” he said.
There was silence, excused by the fact that there was drinking. It wasn’t awkward but it could have done with some filling. John obliged
“So, how are you anyway? Aside from tired”
“Fair to middling my friend. And you?”
John smiled “Well I had that date that I told you about”
“And?”
“Went pretty good. We seemed to hit it off, all going well. But I was hoping to ask your advice”
“Wear a condom and don’t shout out Steve when you come”
John smiled “I didn’t really mean on a technical front”
Robert laughed “Muah, technical front”

John sighed and looked exasperated. Robert returned the look. “Look, why would you ask me for relationship advice”
“You’ve been on more dates than me” John pointed out.
“Which means I’ve been on more failed dates than you. But fine, shoot” He slurped the rest of his drink through his straw. “You know my fee” he said waving the empty glass at him.

John returned with drinks and began to tell his tale “Well, about halfway through the date, she got this text message. And when she read it, she went all sad and quiet. And I thought it best at the time not to ask what the worry was. But now I’m starting to think I should have asked her. Show concern. I was concerned after all. Is it too late?”

Robert frowned. “It’s a tricky one all right. A conundrum if you will. Plenty of potential for fucking up. Then there’s always the possibility that you’re imagining it. You got a habit of making small things look big” He gestured downwards to Johns crotch.
“Hilarious. A penis joke”
Robert grinned “I’m full of them…wait no…damnit!”
“You’re certainly full of something”
Robert took another drink “Talking shit and boozing. That’s all I’m good at and good for”
“Being hard on yourself don’t you think?”
“There are worst skill sets to have. And anyway, people should be hard on themselves. Only they know themselves. Plus it has the added benefit of causing others to see you in a kinder light. Nothing like nabbing that sympathy vote”

John thought about all of this. Then he came to his sense “That has turd all to do with anything you hairy bastard. Now what do you think about what I told you?”
Robert stroked his three day beard. Finally he said “No bad can come from letting her know you care, even if it’s a touchy subject”
“You think?”
Robert shrugged “Christ knows. Want to do shots?”