sleep would be nice

The Condom, with his latex cape billowing about him magnificintly, is the protector of penis city. he has a whole rogues gallery of villains-captain chlymidia, master clap and non-water-based-lubriant man. but he also has his allies- diaphram woman and his sidekick, water based lubricant man (he has an evil twin)

"Hows the new suit, Dom? those new ribs should enhanced your abilities by 12%"


This is how sexual education should be taught at schools. all i gots to do is sit back and await government funding

thats one damn ugly mirror i'm looking at

not been a good week for sleep.

but on the plus i learned to play the firefly intro on geetar

and the world keeps turning

huh

thought of the day- I will not be popular this year

what the hell is this man on about?

There are a thousand little ironies presented to you each day, providing you want to see them of course. I'm thinking it a better idea to at least try and ignore them, and chalk it up to an over active imagination brought about by an exceptionally dull summer. And before anyone gets paranoid, i'm just talking shit about life in general. I think a lot of people read into blogs farrrrrr too much.

The future starts soon. And i'm veiwing it with not pessimissm exactly, but a certain degree of caution. What do I want to be in the future? fraid thats still not decided. in fact I get annoyed at people with drive and ambition that know exactly what they want to be when they grow up. I myself have always wanted to try my hand at many things. saying to your guidance teacher at highschool that you want many different jobs may be laughed off and excused as inexperience, but saying the same thing at the end of uni may present a slight problem. a likely outcome is me and my brother will get pissed and stay in all day playing videogames. and when you put it like that it aint exactly the worst of prospects

thought of the day-i should probably stop telling people what exactly it is that I do with detol and sudocrem

the gay

Now i've no idea why, but back home it is the height of hilarity to act gay. But it turns out in the city there really are people that...are gay! my mind was blown and my ass was grabbed. but ole bobs all about the banter, and yesterday i decided it would be "talk wierd and slightly mean to my gay waiter friend day!" He had a hickey as well, which i pulled him up about, calling him "hickeyberry hound" all day-the dirty dog. Then there was the classic

"You only like mayonaise cause your gayyyyyyyyyy!"
"I know!"

or, at the other end of the spectrum

"Your special Rob"
"No, your special man. cause you make others feel special. and thats the most special thing of all"
then i went off to do some heavy lifting ala over compensation

My father would not approve.

Thought of the day-the new phrase to ask if someone is ok shall be "Everything chipper, skipper?"

smooth chin operator

"Gang bangers don't just gang bang. they do many many things. like read the paper. and do the crossword. 8 down, to bang with a group."

Now there is no way that that conversation should result in my getting a girls number. but thats how the cookie crumbles. no doubt cynicism will win the day yet again though

a little side note

Me and ross drank cider and completed halo 3 on legendary. jealous? you should be

cloning yesterday and calling it tommorow

it makes sense i guess, but i did not know that my headphones were labled L & R to show which ear they go in. And upon discovering this, i took pettyness to a new level by putting then in the wrong holes (make of that what you will) By the by, does anyone wear headphones while on the computer for the sole purpose of keeping their ears warm?

I needed cheering up, so i got the new terry pratchette book and power read my way through it. shamed to admit its the first book i've actually finished in bloody ages. And you know, it was pretty good. a cynic might say it was small gods minus everything discworld, but it does the job of telling a story well. Plus the good thing about it not being a discworld is theres none of that constant repition that is inevitable in such a big series. so yeah-got the rob k thumb up and stew your welcome to borrow it

i'm teetering on the edge of a cold right now, staring into the mucussy abyss. will it engulf me in its moist green embrace. i hope not, what with a weekend of doooooooooom on the horrizon. for those not in the know, weekends of doooooooooom are when i work 13 hour shifts on both saturday and sunday-both of which are generally busy, so not many breaks. Exept it can break a man, in a small dull way.

thought of the day-you KNOW your geeky and lame when you figure that tales of the black frieghter DVD extra will be far better than the actual watchmen

see the clouds mock the way of a perfect view to a perfect day

Borders book shop has this nasty habbit of not labling their books with prices. i guess they assume if your in there you must be rich. but annoyingly they also quite often put discount signs on these priceless books. £3.00 off!" it delcares. "what a deal!" I exclaim "And it comes with a free pen!" i then realise it isn't polite to vocalise in !, and rush to buy. "That will be a ridiculous amount of hard earned money despite your work to pay ratio being wayyy off!" says the cashier (everybodys ! today!) "This isn't over!" i exlaim very quietly so no one hears.

then i compromised by buying very cheap shoes. good old sweat shops and war orphans

Also, i had a rather great idea. well more an insurance policy. I gotta go around torturing all the hypotists in the world telling them to undo what they've done to me-JUST IN CASE-that they have done something.

thought of the day-cults are the poor mans religion

things happened in a non sexual sense of the word

Been a pretty heavy week for the boozing i'm afraid (ahhhh!) and a pretty bad one for lack of sleep. I blame steve (grrr steve) Despite this I don;t feel incredibly shit-just pretty shit. unfortunatly mood is not improved one bit by the discovery that a day before its due-fellow work mate announces hes on holiday for a week. sooooooo another bloody 50 hour week for the bob. and i know it aint like me, but i'm getting prettttyyyyyy pissed off. not boring old melancholy, but genuine anger.

i learned stuff. i learned the meaning of whiskey pounding and that viagra merely maintains and that you should never make eye contact with the bride of a hen party. and i talked a great deal of shit and a reasonable amount of sense and tried quite hard to be honest and flat out told some people to shut up.

I'm quite sore and very tired and there was a bit of a disiplinerararary hearing about fish. i need to see some people and i am very grateful for my time alone for all the thoughts it brings. sherry is manky and port is nice and pina colada's are ok but the song is surprisingly amoral

someones talking shite

i could well have bitten off far more than i could chewbaca here. And tiny mouths wait for the crumbs to fall from mine. once they've developed a taste for it they become ravenous, insatiable even. whereas I have my fill and reach my quota in ever diminutive amounts.

And a girl from call centre told me about her sex life 5 mins ago. Anything for a sale

The harsh week of dooooom at work is over. though to be honest it went as well as it could have. and now i have some free time again, to kill online and with TV. so first up, saw a VERY good film, given and recommended by the lovely catherine (thank you) called Closer. dispite initial misgivings about its possible status as chick flick, it quickly proved itself to me. and of course it fit the all important criteria of being quite depressing. and there was also mild nudity!

then there was the immense hangover caused by certain zany misadventures. what i like to do when i'm feeling so, and if the weather is nice, is to sit on buchanan steps and (oh quirky cliche alternative) people watch. now you can't deny that there are some incredibly ass-fetically intresting people in the big smoke, so i think you can understand the attraction. pride of place goes to the two young girls (ohhh pedo!) one who looked rather typical and was reading to one that had downs syndrome (oooh distrubing fettish) Off colour remarks aside, it was a nice image.

Then there was street theatre! or as its also known, preachy christians! they were doing that scene were jesus goes "let he who is without sin, cast the 1st stone" And then an intresting theological point was made-jesus being jesus-was in fact the one without sin and so could have cast the first stone. and then gone on a stone killing spree!

Then of course one of them comes for some one on one time with the bob. and she says the thing that quite a lot of the various religious crew says to me "you have kind eyes" HA, always smile wryly when they say that-if only they knew.

You shouldn't think i'm wailing on the christians here. a while back one made a VERY good case to me that i was quite willing to concede to. she said that when we feel good about doing good and guilty about bad shit, then thats god working though us. if you want to call your concience god then thats fine by me. the buddah says we are all a little god to ourselves

thought of the day-one day i will count up all my quirks, and then try and match them to the tv shows i stole them from

Bobs zany misadventure

AKA-night out with brother and assorted people. though the adventure didn't really start until 3am when everyone left without my knowing. First of all by then, i was pretty hammered, but in a good non spewy or memory lossy way. grab some random food from a take away and start talking to some random people. They invite me back to theirs and i'm in a very much why the hell not kinda mood. so stagger on back to some part of glasgow aint never been to before, and gab away drinking beer.

OHH you know things are going down hill when i drink beer-because i hate beer and will only indulge when i can't really taste it. anyways, we're gabbing away about random shit, and i almost set the couch on fire with cigs-gotta nice burn in my jumper as a result. after a few more beers the sinking feeling that i might spew hits me-sop i try and wash it away with a few more beers! amazingly didn;t work, however there was no urgency to it, and i prob coulda held it down if i tried. yet probably aint really good enough when your among strangers, so i calmly toddle to the bathroom and do the unnessicary. steal some toothpaste so no one will smell it offa me.

when i get back, everyones passed out on the couches, so its time to make a move. get my ass out and try and get my bearings. figure if i head downhill then...well thats about as far as my logic would work. find myself on the motorway at one point. an hour later i find myself at glasgow uni and finally know where i am. i glare at it, with its swanky architechture and general betterness to strathclyde. contemplate pissing on it-i really need to go-but it must be used to envious eyes and bladders, cause theres gates around it and know doubt force fields and lasers bought with superior funding. eventually i find Stoke college and piss on that. no one would mind or notice.

6 am when i get home. it's too light to sleep, too early for breakfast, so i just lie and stare into space until lunchtime-then go out and get nachos!

as i told the girl at work, its great to tell these stories later on when your recovered. but during...well you just want the whole thing over with. so nobody feel envious of bobs zany misadventure

a lifetime measured in alcohol units

Pretty damn tired. it was only yesterday that i realised i am in fact doing a 50 hour week. need the money though, so just get on down to it. Turning intoa personal philosophy actually-shit happens so deal with it. almost done anyway, just an all day sunday left. then maybe some time home to collect my scattered thoughts and shattered body. the reason why home has such rejuvinating qualities is two fold. uno-there is an old victorian bath which is big enough for me to fit more than 1/3 of my body in (i always opt for the middle 3rd). and Big duo-being an incredibly light sleeper requires total silence and pitch blackness-something easiy achived there. as it stands i've taken to wearing a dark t-shirt over my face like one of them mask things. manly!

tonight shall see some brotherly lovin as me and andaroo hit the town and shoot the shit from the hip. and we shall engulf anyone in our way with the patented kilgour incest manwich, and believe me you don't wanna be the meat!

Too much healthy living is bad for you. all that happens is you eventually totally lose it and explode into drunken drug fueled orgies. look at all the train track hookers that used to be mormons. farrrrrr better the occasional indulgence, tempered by a healthy dose of self loathing.

thought of the day-i don't care how many times its said, it'll never get old to tell americans to watch their friendly fire while playing halo 3

On the other hand

More than one of my friends have told me that their parents have informed them that they were a mistake. Which is where a smart person would jump in and score some brownie points (insert garry glitter joke) by replying "Well, i'm glad they did" or similar. However, i think that these modern newage parents that plan their pregnancies generally have some sinister motive. Namely trying to achive through their kids or push them to do things that the parents wanted to do. Far better that a child be brought in through spontaneous desicion than have its life planned out before its even zygoted.

Dunno if i was a mistake or not. maybe something to ask. or not.probably talking bullshit. so lets be more lighthearted. Edward scissor hands could make cash on the side as a professional circumscisor, or a back alley abortionist.

Uni creeps ever closer. I think i will be a lot happier once its back up and running. not that i'm exactly a mess right now or anything. but, as i said to my boss at work, people do seek out drama in their lifes. damn you TV. if it weren't for david attenborough you would be a wholey evil and manipulative thing

Feeling down? Grow a beard!

I'm doing so right now! and who says men can't multi task. well, women obviously. and perhaps post op transvestites.

Pretttttyyyyyyyyyyy rough actually. The thing that annoys me about my boozing is that i sober up pretty fast to the state of hangover. combine this with the fact i;m an incredibly light sleeper means no beddy bye for bob. still, do the crime pay the time.

Gay pride march thing was on saturday, where they all did great things to dispel sterotypes by being loud, flamboyant, wearing impressively tight revealing clothes and (i shit you not) playing the YMCA. best slogan? "putting the ride in gay pride" There were a bunch of ladies in wheel chiars as well, and i wondered if there'd been a mix up and they went to the wrong rally. then my friend informs me that apparently many lesbians have a fettish for such things. she then proceeded to tell me about her friend who purposly got her leg amputated so she would feel "more whole" A cynical person might mishear this and assume my friend had said "feel more hole" which is what i did.

The march was kinda scary a bit really, and not because I'm a homophobe. There were loads and loads of police there and i heard tell that middle aged men were going on down for the sake of causing trouble and beating up gays. no doubt in actual fact they're all closet homosexuals and are trying to cop a feel in a discreet fashion. All in all, my boss quite aptly summed it up when he said he never minded the gays "until they had this fuckin parade" Some good has come of it though, with the extravagant outfits reawakening my passion for "Josephs technicoloured dream coat" And i have decided if finance permits, to try and aquire one.

finally saw escape from L.A Pretttyyyyy bad actually, especially when snake and an aging hippy surf assult a jeep. still, we must thank it for giving birth to MGS, plus Kurt russels hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thought of the day-you have blind, deaf, and mute. but what do you call someone whos sense of smell aint working?