She typed with closed fists, only the index fingers extended and hands held crab like. Pushing down on each key with twice as much force as necessary she slowly and ponderously punched her way through the sign up procedure. It was like watching continental drift, with each tectonic movement requiring a strata of questions for which I was forced to provided the answers.
“Click OK. No left click, not right click. You need to tick that box. Don’t push that. Ok, hit return. It’s the big one, no the other big one.”
Each failure was blamed on me and Bill Gates. Each success attributed to her own fortitude. Finally, in the space of time it took for me to drink three beers, she was finally connected.
“Ah ha!” she declared “Now what do I do?”
“Well, you could upload pictures, or customize your profile, or add friends...”
“Yes, I want to do that.”
We typed in names and wades through pages. It wasn’t only her that was surprised just who was part of facebook. Even Granddad was there, though his profile picture seemed deceptively youthful.
Finally the dreaded moment arrived
“And of course I’ll have to add you.”
“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that”
“Why not. We’re friends aren’t we.”
“We’re family mum. It’s completely different.”
“Oh piffle. Why won’t you add me?”
“There are many many compromising photos of me. Many scandalous lies pertaining to my moral character.”
“Well if you don’t do it, then I’ll…tell facebook on you! I’ll report you for abuse!” she clicked around, trying to find the appropriate page, before asking me how to get there. I declined.
“Well then you better get me another voddy from the kitchen!”
I agreed, and helped myself to one while I was there. When I returned I discovered to my horror that she had added all of my friends instead.
“looks like you’re friends like me more than you” she said
“Jokes on you, dearest mama. They have to accept your initiations. And I’ll be damned if I’m letting that happen.”
The next day, my friends had all accepted her.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Thursday, 26 August 2010
cause I was too drunk to remember it last night
I dreamed a dream
of things absurd
and when I woke
I spoke a word
The word was pain
upon my tongue
its taste was strange
it's shape was wrong
I spoke it twice
first hard then soft
I spoke it thrice
My tongue fell off
It should be clear
This poems theme
Never ever
speak words from dreams
of things absurd
and when I woke
I spoke a word
The word was pain
upon my tongue
its taste was strange
it's shape was wrong
I spoke it twice
first hard then soft
I spoke it thrice
My tongue fell off
It should be clear
This poems theme
Never ever
speak words from dreams
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
Lone Wolf
All alone for the next 3 weeks, what with better half giving me up for ashy dead people and christians feeding lions in rome. trying to be fairly frugal as well, given that I'm (hopefully) moving flat at the end of the month. Given a replacement has already been found for my current accomodation its quite the imperative that i find somewhere.
But the wheels are in motion and viewings have been arranged. Cream of the crop as far as online pictures go so far is a delightful little den on dick street. and yes half the reason for wanting to live there is the hilarity that will ensue from late night taxi's home.
So between these two things and the dullness of work bobby is not much of a party goer right now. All set to change of course when the second half of the two gallants, one Mr Ross Palmerson, arrives on the scene for his birthday bonanza. I'm taking him to a delicious fish and chip establishment followed by some rather fruity cocktails. And yes, essentially I am using him as a temp date.
I have literally nothing to do today. Don't really want to buy anything as its just more shit to carry away-despite my worst attempts no one wants a shitty 12 (well 10) string guitar.
Sandwich time. the subway kind, not the club dancing kind
Thought of the day-they should really commission another series of how not to live your life, I love that show!
But the wheels are in motion and viewings have been arranged. Cream of the crop as far as online pictures go so far is a delightful little den on dick street. and yes half the reason for wanting to live there is the hilarity that will ensue from late night taxi's home.
So between these two things and the dullness of work bobby is not much of a party goer right now. All set to change of course when the second half of the two gallants, one Mr Ross Palmerson, arrives on the scene for his birthday bonanza. I'm taking him to a delicious fish and chip establishment followed by some rather fruity cocktails. And yes, essentially I am using him as a temp date.
I have literally nothing to do today. Don't really want to buy anything as its just more shit to carry away-despite my worst attempts no one wants a shitty 12 (well 10) string guitar.
Sandwich time. the subway kind, not the club dancing kind
Thought of the day-they should really commission another series of how not to live your life, I love that show!
Monday, 2 August 2010
Last night lead to today
I sat hung-over on the steps. The sun bore down and every time I blinked it seemed my lids were too hot for my eyes. There was a pigeon in front of me, eating vomit that could possibly be mine, while another pigeon was trying in vain to get up on behind it and do the deed. It seemed an apt metaphor for my life, though I wasn’t sure with which one my sympathies lied. Sweat continued to pour out of my body in a steady stream, while the fluids involved around the whole breathing part of me congealed further.
Yep, school was going to be a bitch today
The bell rang, longer and louder than it had any right to, and the great seething mass of dull young minds made their way to wherever they should be. I myself couldn’t face such a challenge right now, and went somewhere I shouldn’t be for a sly smoke.
I went into the toilets and sat in the cubical, taking a moment to collect myself and light one up. Maybe it was the darkness or the steady flow of water, but right then, surrounded as I was by stale piss and paper towels, I felt a moment of almost Zen like tranquality. It would be no hard task for me just to lay my head on the toilet roll, and close my eyes forever.
Of course the second bell, signalling the end of registration went off, and that was my signal to do the same thing. I’d had enough, and hooky was the only way out while maintaining sanity (and sanitation to, going by my smell) Once outside had quieted down I peered out, and made my way down the hall to sweet sweet freedom.
“David!” came a harsh grating voice.
I turned, doomed.
“Yes Mr Fisher?”
“Shouldn’t you be in class young man?”
Young man. What a dick, he was only 5 years older than me.
“I was…just on my way.” I said turning around.
“I think another talk in my office is due soon”
“I look forward to it already, but I better be going, don’t want to be even later!” I faked a laugh and side stepped to safety before he could say another word.
I found the hateful door and opened it. Of course the room was filled with un-openable windows which the sun was facing full on. All beams seemed to converge on my desk. Taking a deep breath, I strode in and faced the music, noting with bad humour today’s lesson plan.
“Ok class” I said, returning the suns glare with one of my own “Today we are going to learn about photosynthesis.”
Yep, school was going to be a bitch today
The bell rang, longer and louder than it had any right to, and the great seething mass of dull young minds made their way to wherever they should be. I myself couldn’t face such a challenge right now, and went somewhere I shouldn’t be for a sly smoke.
I went into the toilets and sat in the cubical, taking a moment to collect myself and light one up. Maybe it was the darkness or the steady flow of water, but right then, surrounded as I was by stale piss and paper towels, I felt a moment of almost Zen like tranquality. It would be no hard task for me just to lay my head on the toilet roll, and close my eyes forever.
Of course the second bell, signalling the end of registration went off, and that was my signal to do the same thing. I’d had enough, and hooky was the only way out while maintaining sanity (and sanitation to, going by my smell) Once outside had quieted down I peered out, and made my way down the hall to sweet sweet freedom.
“David!” came a harsh grating voice.
I turned, doomed.
“Yes Mr Fisher?”
“Shouldn’t you be in class young man?”
Young man. What a dick, he was only 5 years older than me.
“I was…just on my way.” I said turning around.
“I think another talk in my office is due soon”
“I look forward to it already, but I better be going, don’t want to be even later!” I faked a laugh and side stepped to safety before he could say another word.
I found the hateful door and opened it. Of course the room was filled with un-openable windows which the sun was facing full on. All beams seemed to converge on my desk. Taking a deep breath, I strode in and faced the music, noting with bad humour today’s lesson plan.
“Ok class” I said, returning the suns glare with one of my own “Today we are going to learn about photosynthesis.”
Thursday, 1 July 2010
flippin the birds sick brother
I done messed up a finger, but it aint one of the important ones, just the ring finger (as if i'll be using it for THAT anytime soon) But it does rule out my ultimate frisbee career for the time being.
I'm also kinda locked out of my own flat, but though bobby is poor in pocket, he is as rich as Donald Trump and Scrooge McDuck combined in friends, so there is a plethora of beds, floors and bathtubs that are a mere phone call away.
Current plans for the future (for I am graduating quite soon) include getting a robert pattinson -or R Patz as he is to me me-haircut, glittering myself up and seeing the new twilight when it comes out. As you can see, i'm not really one for long term strategems, But what they may lack in scope, they make up for in detail.
went to the zoooooo. saw a monkeys dong
its a depressing day when you realise your girlfriend parties harder than you.
I'm also kinda locked out of my own flat, but though bobby is poor in pocket, he is as rich as Donald Trump and Scrooge McDuck combined in friends, so there is a plethora of beds, floors and bathtubs that are a mere phone call away.
Current plans for the future (for I am graduating quite soon) include getting a robert pattinson -or R Patz as he is to me me-haircut, glittering myself up and seeing the new twilight when it comes out. As you can see, i'm not really one for long term strategems, But what they may lack in scope, they make up for in detail.
went to the zoooooo. saw a monkeys dong
its a depressing day when you realise your girlfriend parties harder than you.
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
"cast them oats into the sea, me hearties"
Had the grad prom and looked very dashing. Course I don't know if i've actually graduated yet, as in a shrewd move to sell more tickets the prom is before exam results.
Apparently when i'm kilted up I resemble the Scottish oats guys evil dark brother. Also some drunk french chick was convinced i was in point of fact a pirate. Both of these are things i could easily live with, and should I fail to come up with any other career path they will be welcome alternatives.
Still broke
Apparently when i'm kilted up I resemble the Scottish oats guys evil dark brother. Also some drunk french chick was convinced i was in point of fact a pirate. Both of these are things i could easily live with, and should I fail to come up with any other career path they will be welcome alternatives.
Still broke
Thursday, 3 June 2010
mysteries of the internet
For some reason that i've yet to figure typing in "tomas nevergrin" into google images comes up with a picture of yours truly (2nd page) This of course finally settles the matter as to what i should call my band and or pen name.
In other news i bought a kilt. i was also advised by the lady to got black for socks and shirt, partly because i'm quite dark (with equilvelant levels of tall and handsome) but mainly because her dress is black and it would flatter her more.
And now I'm quite broke. but only in the sense that i have no money and not that I'm in tremendous amounts of debt. in fact in all probablity, and equity aside i'm most likely the wealthiest family member.
thought of the day-why is it the hotter the day, the fatter the topless men?
In other news i bought a kilt. i was also advised by the lady to got black for socks and shirt, partly because i'm quite dark (with equilvelant levels of tall and handsome) but mainly because her dress is black and it would flatter her more.
And now I'm quite broke. but only in the sense that i have no money and not that I'm in tremendous amounts of debt. in fact in all probablity, and equity aside i'm most likely the wealthiest family member.
thought of the day-why is it the hotter the day, the fatter the topless men?
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
the jack sandwich
From now on all doubles will be ordered this way.
Measure
mixer
Mesaure
Trust me when i say your drinking experience will be greatly enhanced
Measure
mixer
Mesaure
Trust me when i say your drinking experience will be greatly enhanced
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
lame theories as to what the man in black's name is from lost
not that anyones watching it anymore
Thomas (hobbes)
John (why not)
Jacob (she only picked one name and gave them the same)
ummm...anything else i say has already been said
Thomas (hobbes)
John (why not)
Jacob (she only picked one name and gave them the same)
ummm...anything else i say has already been said
Friday, 14 May 2010
The Fail
In queue with the lady for the makings of a delightful homecooked meal. cue following conversation:
cahsier"Do you need bags"
Lady "Umm"
Me "No, I got mine"
cashier "Ok
Me "Saving the planet and all that"
lady "save the world bobby"
Me (v. loudly) "Save the cheerleader!"
casheir "what?"
Lady "Huh?"
cashier "did you just say save the cheerleader?"
Me "...noooooooo"
"Lady "you're wierd"
Me "...."
Course the fail was on THEIR account for failing to get it. Watching monster the anime form recommendation and after kinda sukcing for 5 episodes its starting to kick ass. here's a taster as to what it's like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nk8Il0gKhig
screw exams!
cahsier"Do you need bags"
Lady "Umm"
Me "No, I got mine"
cashier "Ok
Me "Saving the planet and all that"
lady "save the world bobby"
Me (v. loudly) "Save the cheerleader!"
casheir "what?"
Lady "Huh?"
cashier "did you just say save the cheerleader?"
Me "...noooooooo"
"Lady "you're wierd"
Me "...."
Course the fail was on THEIR account for failing to get it. Watching monster the anime form recommendation and after kinda sukcing for 5 episodes its starting to kick ass. here's a taster as to what it's like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nk8Il0gKhig
screw exams!
Thursday, 6 May 2010
semi errotic smurf fan fiction
First came on the stockings, lacy and white, matching her thong. Then over the shoulders went the cream dress, strapless and just long enough to be short of scandalous. She then brushed her thick peroxide hair till all the flicks were in just the right places. Apply moonlight foundation, a couple squirts of le Pays maudit and then finally and with a pout violet lipstick is liberally applied. She blew herself a kiss in the mirror and turned to the person behind her.
“How do I look?” she said
“Christ” said Vanity, her gay roommate “And I thought I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror”
She stood up and spanked him playfully through his crotch-tight beige jeans
“You can’t rush smurfection” Smurfette said.
“Whatever” replied Vanity.
Just then Smurfette’s phone rang. She looked at the call ID and rolled her eyes. “Papa don’t preach” she muttered before answering.
“Hi daddy…yes yes I’m fine…no nothing really, just about to go out foraging…Vanity…no he doesn’t have a girlfriend yet…I know its baffling, him being such a sharp dresser…yes I’m eating enough”
She turned to Vanity and pressed her tongue against the inside of her mouth a couple times. Vanity stifled a giggle. “so much for daddy’s good little girl” he whispered.
“Yes ok…ok…bye daddy” she hung up and sighed.
“Foraging, eh?” said Vanity
“Well…foraging for men” she said with a smile. “Good men are hard to find out there, you know.”
“I thought it was that hard men were good to find” said Vanity. He pulled smurfette towards the door. “Come on girlfriend, let’s go get smurfed”
·
After skipping the queue and charming her way past Hefty, who was on door that night, Vanity and Smurfette stepped into The Forrest, known to be the hippest venue in the land. Music blared and eyes leered at the two of them.
“I hate smurno music” Vanity complained
“A few Smurfbucas will see to that. But why are they all staring?” Smurfette asked
“Well, it was kind of cold out there you know”
“So?”
“So your snipples are showing through your dress”
“Oh. Oh well, let’s see if these blue bullets can set us up with some free drinks.” She made her way purposefully to the bar, turning back to call to Vanity, “What’ll it be?”
“Triple gin and slim line tonic” he shouted.
“A smurfnoff ice it is”
“Smurf you bitch”
Sure enough as soon as Smurfette had wiggled her way to the front of the bar a hand was placed on hers and a voice spoke over the music. “Pint of John smurf extra smooth and whatever the lady is having” it said.
“What a gentleman” she said, before placing a lengthy order
“Someone’s looking to get smurfed tonight” the voice commented
She smiled and stroked the hand “Someone might get smurfed tonight if they’re lucky” she then picked up the drinks and walked away, not even pausing to think that she hadn’t even seen the face that went with the hand.
“Fucking cocktease” he muttered.
She returned to Vanity, spilling some of the drinks on her dress in the process.
“What a mess you are” said Vanity
“And that’s only the start” she said, knocking back two of the shots.
“Uh oh” Vanity pointed “Look who it is”
Five figures strode into the club, all jeans and leather jackets. Their trumpet like appendages sprouted from their heads, throbbing thick and virile. An aura of quiet menace seemed to emanate from them and wherever they stepped people made way.
“I hate fucking Snorks” said Vanity, as they all squared up the punching machine that lay in the corner. “They’re selfish, stupid vain bastards that only think with their snorkles.
“Sounds a lot like someone I know” commented Smurfete
“Oh whatever. Just promise me right now kitten that you’ll stay away from them”
“Fine”
Time passed. People passed out. Magical mushrooms were passed around. All the usual things happened. Smurfette had been grouped and grinded against but none of her suitors seemed to suit her. The smoke machine was working overtime, probably so that those coupling on the dance floor were spared the sight of their partners. Hot, sweaty and need fresh air, Smurfette stepped outside for a smiggarete. Vanity had long ago disappeared, no doubt hoping to convince the juicy barman that he was secretly gay.
Stepping into the cool night air she took her smokes from between her cleavage (nature’s handbag) but realized that she didn’t have a lighter. Swearing, she pattered her various recesses in the hope that one would miraculously emerge.
“Here” a flame came towards the prone tip and she put it in her mouth, puffing with grateful desperation.
“Thanks” she said, turning to her pyrotechnic saviour. With a slight start she saw it was one of the Snorks from earlier. He looked like he had been carved from stone, so still and hard he stood. He lit his own smiggarete and took a deep draw. By ember glow Smurfete saw that only his eyes were soft, looking weary as they rested upon her.
“Some night” he said.
“Sure is. Where’d you’re friends go?”
“Sniffing skirt inside”
“And you’re not?”
“I have a cold.” He took another draw and blew a ring from his snorkel. “Not much of a people person anyway”
“Oh you’re not doing so bad”
“That’s cause you’re a person, not people. Persons are fine until you put them together”
“So I guess that makes you a person person” said smurfete, smiling.
“I guess it does”
Smurfete moved closer and touched his leather jacket lightly. “So why the get up, Mr Danny Zuko. Surely being in a gang doesn’t benefit a non-people person like you. In fact you don’t seem much like gang material at all”
He shrugged “Appearances can fool. Case in point over there.” He pointed to a nearby bush where smurfete could just make out Vanity tugging away at one of the other Snorks snorkel
“What a hypocrite” she said, laughing.
“And what about you” the snork asked
“What about me”
“Well, the slutty dress and bad girl attitude doesn’t really go with the fact that you’re a virgin”
Smurfete blushed a deep amethyst. “Oh well…that…I…your wrong…but” She finally settled on a defeated “how?”
The snork pointed to his snorkel. “These things can do a lot, as you’re friend in the bush is about to find out. One thing they can do is sniff bullshit. So…why the act?”
Smurfete sighed. “The usual cliché. Found out my papa wasn’t actually my papa and I was actually created by an evil wizard. Both wanted different things of me so of course I ended up hating each of them. Freudy smurf would have a field day with me”
“Well that’s some pretty fucked up shit”
Smurfete smiled. It was strange, but just hearing someone admit how weird her life was made her feel a whole lot better about herself. “Yeah, it sure is she said”
“Hey, Buddy!”
The two turned around to see a large smurf approaching, looking very angry.
“There a problem here?” the snork asked, standing in front of smurfete
“Damn right there is. I bought this chick a shit load of hooch and I expect some return for my investment. And I come out here to see some ass hat cashing in my account. Well fat chance pal!”
He threw a punch at the snork who ducked. As he rose back so to did his snorkel and it caught the smurf clean on the chin, who fell to the floor and didn’t get back up.
“See, told you these things could do a lot” said the snork, rubbing his head with a wince.
Later on smurfete had found her way back to the flat. She had met up with Vanity (while he was wiping his mouth and muttering something about salt) and the two of them gossiped with each other about the nights events. Vanity’s dislike of Snorks seemed to have curiously vanished, so smurfete didn’t feel bad about revealing that she had ignored his earlier advice.
“Well if he’s half the snork mine was, then you’ve a lot to the look forward to little lady” he said
“Oh hush up you” she replied with a giggle.
In a dark dark castle a dark dark man spoke in a dark dark voice.
“And you think you can bring her back to our side?”
“Yes master”
“You’re sure?”
“Best way to crack a person is to break their heart”
“Excellent work, Allstar
“Thank you, master Gargamel” replied the snork.
“How do I look?” she said
“Christ” said Vanity, her gay roommate “And I thought I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror”
She stood up and spanked him playfully through his crotch-tight beige jeans
“You can’t rush smurfection” Smurfette said.
“Whatever” replied Vanity.
Just then Smurfette’s phone rang. She looked at the call ID and rolled her eyes. “Papa don’t preach” she muttered before answering.
“Hi daddy…yes yes I’m fine…no nothing really, just about to go out foraging…Vanity…no he doesn’t have a girlfriend yet…I know its baffling, him being such a sharp dresser…yes I’m eating enough”
She turned to Vanity and pressed her tongue against the inside of her mouth a couple times. Vanity stifled a giggle. “so much for daddy’s good little girl” he whispered.
“Yes ok…ok…bye daddy” she hung up and sighed.
“Foraging, eh?” said Vanity
“Well…foraging for men” she said with a smile. “Good men are hard to find out there, you know.”
“I thought it was that hard men were good to find” said Vanity. He pulled smurfette towards the door. “Come on girlfriend, let’s go get smurfed”
·
After skipping the queue and charming her way past Hefty, who was on door that night, Vanity and Smurfette stepped into The Forrest, known to be the hippest venue in the land. Music blared and eyes leered at the two of them.
“I hate smurno music” Vanity complained
“A few Smurfbucas will see to that. But why are they all staring?” Smurfette asked
“Well, it was kind of cold out there you know”
“So?”
“So your snipples are showing through your dress”
“Oh. Oh well, let’s see if these blue bullets can set us up with some free drinks.” She made her way purposefully to the bar, turning back to call to Vanity, “What’ll it be?”
“Triple gin and slim line tonic” he shouted.
“A smurfnoff ice it is”
“Smurf you bitch”
Sure enough as soon as Smurfette had wiggled her way to the front of the bar a hand was placed on hers and a voice spoke over the music. “Pint of John smurf extra smooth and whatever the lady is having” it said.
“What a gentleman” she said, before placing a lengthy order
“Someone’s looking to get smurfed tonight” the voice commented
She smiled and stroked the hand “Someone might get smurfed tonight if they’re lucky” she then picked up the drinks and walked away, not even pausing to think that she hadn’t even seen the face that went with the hand.
“Fucking cocktease” he muttered.
She returned to Vanity, spilling some of the drinks on her dress in the process.
“What a mess you are” said Vanity
“And that’s only the start” she said, knocking back two of the shots.
“Uh oh” Vanity pointed “Look who it is”
Five figures strode into the club, all jeans and leather jackets. Their trumpet like appendages sprouted from their heads, throbbing thick and virile. An aura of quiet menace seemed to emanate from them and wherever they stepped people made way.
“I hate fucking Snorks” said Vanity, as they all squared up the punching machine that lay in the corner. “They’re selfish, stupid vain bastards that only think with their snorkles.
“Sounds a lot like someone I know” commented Smurfete
“Oh whatever. Just promise me right now kitten that you’ll stay away from them”
“Fine”
Time passed. People passed out. Magical mushrooms were passed around. All the usual things happened. Smurfette had been grouped and grinded against but none of her suitors seemed to suit her. The smoke machine was working overtime, probably so that those coupling on the dance floor were spared the sight of their partners. Hot, sweaty and need fresh air, Smurfette stepped outside for a smiggarete. Vanity had long ago disappeared, no doubt hoping to convince the juicy barman that he was secretly gay.
Stepping into the cool night air she took her smokes from between her cleavage (nature’s handbag) but realized that she didn’t have a lighter. Swearing, she pattered her various recesses in the hope that one would miraculously emerge.
“Here” a flame came towards the prone tip and she put it in her mouth, puffing with grateful desperation.
“Thanks” she said, turning to her pyrotechnic saviour. With a slight start she saw it was one of the Snorks from earlier. He looked like he had been carved from stone, so still and hard he stood. He lit his own smiggarete and took a deep draw. By ember glow Smurfete saw that only his eyes were soft, looking weary as they rested upon her.
“Some night” he said.
“Sure is. Where’d you’re friends go?”
“Sniffing skirt inside”
“And you’re not?”
“I have a cold.” He took another draw and blew a ring from his snorkel. “Not much of a people person anyway”
“Oh you’re not doing so bad”
“That’s cause you’re a person, not people. Persons are fine until you put them together”
“So I guess that makes you a person person” said smurfete, smiling.
“I guess it does”
Smurfete moved closer and touched his leather jacket lightly. “So why the get up, Mr Danny Zuko. Surely being in a gang doesn’t benefit a non-people person like you. In fact you don’t seem much like gang material at all”
He shrugged “Appearances can fool. Case in point over there.” He pointed to a nearby bush where smurfete could just make out Vanity tugging away at one of the other Snorks snorkel
“What a hypocrite” she said, laughing.
“And what about you” the snork asked
“What about me”
“Well, the slutty dress and bad girl attitude doesn’t really go with the fact that you’re a virgin”
Smurfete blushed a deep amethyst. “Oh well…that…I…your wrong…but” She finally settled on a defeated “how?”
The snork pointed to his snorkel. “These things can do a lot, as you’re friend in the bush is about to find out. One thing they can do is sniff bullshit. So…why the act?”
Smurfete sighed. “The usual cliché. Found out my papa wasn’t actually my papa and I was actually created by an evil wizard. Both wanted different things of me so of course I ended up hating each of them. Freudy smurf would have a field day with me”
“Well that’s some pretty fucked up shit”
Smurfete smiled. It was strange, but just hearing someone admit how weird her life was made her feel a whole lot better about herself. “Yeah, it sure is she said”
“Hey, Buddy!”
The two turned around to see a large smurf approaching, looking very angry.
“There a problem here?” the snork asked, standing in front of smurfete
“Damn right there is. I bought this chick a shit load of hooch and I expect some return for my investment. And I come out here to see some ass hat cashing in my account. Well fat chance pal!”
He threw a punch at the snork who ducked. As he rose back so to did his snorkel and it caught the smurf clean on the chin, who fell to the floor and didn’t get back up.
“See, told you these things could do a lot” said the snork, rubbing his head with a wince.
Later on smurfete had found her way back to the flat. She had met up with Vanity (while he was wiping his mouth and muttering something about salt) and the two of them gossiped with each other about the nights events. Vanity’s dislike of Snorks seemed to have curiously vanished, so smurfete didn’t feel bad about revealing that she had ignored his earlier advice.
“Well if he’s half the snork mine was, then you’ve a lot to the look forward to little lady” he said
“Oh hush up you” she replied with a giggle.
In a dark dark castle a dark dark man spoke in a dark dark voice.
“And you think you can bring her back to our side?”
“Yes master”
“You’re sure?”
“Best way to crack a person is to break their heart”
“Excellent work, Allstar
“Thank you, master Gargamel” replied the snork.
Monday, 3 May 2010
"We have narrowed it down to the Butcher knife and the Mocking bird"
Revision's a funny old thing. The more you do the less you think you know, and the less confident you are about exams. There's probably a bunch of people who have failed from revising too much and chilling too little. Not that i'm anywhere near a happy medium myself.
Bought a bukowski poetry book the other day, with my ill gotten winnings from creatively writing about a boy's hole. I don't think we would have liked each other if we met, but He's dead and i'm vaguely atheistic so chances are slim that'll happen. Trying to savvy up on my poetry lately, and chances are you'll find a few failed efforts surfacing here.
Speaking of which, this blog might, much like it's author and owner, be forced to finish prematurely. It's my university email that i use for it, and no idea what happens to that when i'm dusted and done.
And what an expensive business finishing is. £35 for the ceremony. £45 for the grad ball and an undisclosed amount on post exam celebrations/commiserations. Plus I think i'll be missing that student overdraft once it eventually dissappears.
But if The Game of Life has taught me anything, its that neither gradutate status, nor occupation matter much. What really sets you up is winning the lottery and overspending it on life insurance.
Bought a bukowski poetry book the other day, with my ill gotten winnings from creatively writing about a boy's hole. I don't think we would have liked each other if we met, but He's dead and i'm vaguely atheistic so chances are slim that'll happen. Trying to savvy up on my poetry lately, and chances are you'll find a few failed efforts surfacing here.
Speaking of which, this blog might, much like it's author and owner, be forced to finish prematurely. It's my university email that i use for it, and no idea what happens to that when i'm dusted and done.
And what an expensive business finishing is. £35 for the ceremony. £45 for the grad ball and an undisclosed amount on post exam celebrations/commiserations. Plus I think i'll be missing that student overdraft once it eventually dissappears.
But if The Game of Life has taught me anything, its that neither gradutate status, nor occupation matter much. What really sets you up is winning the lottery and overspending it on life insurance.
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
I got back an essay today. what set it apart from many of my other essays was the lenght of time and the amount of effort I spent on it-Two weeks of in comparison to the usual two days. What it had in common with my other essays was the mark.
On the plus side I went down to Essex for a wedding, hit the town after in a kilt, and wasn't mugged despite it being St Georges day. Many a slag was seen and many an accent poorly imitated, though the bloody doors never quite got blown off.
And now its back to work work work work
On the plus side I went down to Essex for a wedding, hit the town after in a kilt, and wasn't mugged despite it being St Georges day. Many a slag was seen and many an accent poorly imitated, though the bloody doors never quite got blown off.
And now its back to work work work work
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
I'd Laugh if it didn't hurt to jiggle
So basically i forgot to buy soap and instead used fairly liquid, not being too careful about where I applied it. I mean there's a picture of the baby on the front and plenty of adverts about delicate hands, so i should be ok right?
Wrong
Cue a very tender day at work the following morn, followed by a lenghty and detailed phone conversation about why i couldn't go out drinking.
On the plus my lady had left mositureizer from when she was last over, and hell i'm tempted to apply it everyday regardless of the status downstairs, so cool and refreshing did it feel
Wrong
Cue a very tender day at work the following morn, followed by a lenghty and detailed phone conversation about why i couldn't go out drinking.
On the plus my lady had left mositureizer from when she was last over, and hell i'm tempted to apply it everyday regardless of the status downstairs, so cool and refreshing did it feel
Bob's Corner
New episode (season?) of Glee on monday
all i can say about that is...Outstanding
and it is certainly fairing better than the increasing medicority of Lost, especially since the "all you need is love" revelation
And that's how bob C's it
all i can say about that is...Outstanding
and it is certainly fairing better than the increasing medicority of Lost, especially since the "all you need is love" revelation
And that's how bob C's it
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
The Boy who Cried Wolves
Once, long ago, there was a boy who told lies. He never did it to be cruel however. In fact every single lie told was made to make the ears, and the person attached to them, happy. This was the sole concern of the boy, for it seemed to him the only way to be, and the fact that making others happy caused him to feel the same seemed reason enough for this belief.
When walking through the village he did his best to say the things he thought his fellow villagers wanted to hear.
“Hello Farmer Blight, your crops are looking healthy and good this year.
“Why thank you my boy” replied the rake thin man.
“Your cream looks so fresh Miss Curdle, what’s your secret?”
“Sun, and plenty of it” She declared confidently.
“Mrs Wrinkles you get younger each day I see you, surely you don’t need that crutch.”
“What a kind child. You remind me of all the suitors that used to call at my door.”
“And I’m sure they still do.”
“Oh you” she said with a girlish giggle and a toss of her frail, chicken neck.
And so it was that the villagers loved the boy and his lying ways, often showering him with all manner of gifts and praises. Indeed it seemed clear to them all that he would grow up to be a great man one day, perhaps a barrister or even a Lord. And if not, then a new mayor was
needed, so strongly did they all care for him.
Except for one. She was a bitter old lady, who took comfort in loneliness and delight in pointing out the flaws of others. She hated the boy, while he in turn was terrified of her. She appeared to look in him rather than at him, and no matter what kind things he said to her she never once smiled. He have would never visited her at all if she hadn’t been his grandmother.
“It’s good to see you again grandmother” the boy would say every time he called, only for her to hit him promptly with her walking stick.
“You’re cottage is looking clean.”
Stick.
“That’s a fine collection of books.”
Stick.
“Father sends his love, and wishes he has time to see you. He misses you so much.”
Stick. Stick. Stick.
The boy would go home, covered in cuts and bruises, blinking back tears.
“What happened to you?” his mother would ask.
“I offered to shoe Grandmothers donkey and he kicked out. It was my own fault.” Each time the boy told a different lie, wanting for his parents to not worry about him. For as you know, his lies were only told to make people happy.
His mother would shake her head at how accident prone he was and gently chide him to be more careful. The boy’s father would remain silent.
But this time, when once again the boy called on his Grandmother, something very different happened. She had baked him a cake, and beseeched him to take a bite while it was still warm.
“It tastes wonderful Grandmother.”
“That’s strange. All that is in it is dirt, hair and ditch water. Now run along boy, go tell your tales.”
The boy did as he was bidden; amazed that he hadn’t been beaten this time. As he walked home he met the woodsman.”
“A fine day is it not?” the boy asked, gesturing up to the overcast skies. His words were slightly mocked by the raindrop he felt spring on his face.
The woodsman smiled at this vague pleasantry, but then his expression quickly turned to fear. He pointed at the boy’s face, who confusedly made to brush away the raindrop. He felt a sudden pain in his finger and brought it away to examine. There were tiny droplets of blood, looking very much like teeth marks.
The boy looked up to see the woodsman roughly brush past him, making the sign to ward off evil as he went. Thinking it had been some sort of beetle, the boy went on.
He came across Mrs Wrinkles, who was now wearing heavy make up and no longer walked with her crutch.
“Looking as lovely as ever” he said.
An even larger raindrop fell on his eye, and he felt it spring from his cheek. He blinked and rubbed his face to clear his blurry vision. He heard Mrs Wrinkle cry out and when he was finally able to look he saw her on the ground, bleeding.
“Get away from me!” she screamed at him.
Fearfully the boy ran home, slamming the door behind him when he entered.
“What’s wrong?” his mother asked, brought to the commotion by all the noise”
“Nothings wrong mother, don’t worry.”
How could it rain indoors? More water blinded his vision and the boy felt something spring from his face. His mother cried out and there was stamping and snarling. When he could once again see he saw his father standing in front of his mother, deep scratches and bites all down his arms. On the floor was a broad puddle of water.
“Why is this happening? Why!?”
His father looked at him. “Did you cross your Grandmother?”
Old habits are hard to be rid of, especially ones we have had our entire lives. “Of course not, I love her.”
The boy felt his eyes being squeezed dry, and it seemed something massive and wild was trying to jump from them. He shut his lids tightly to cut it off, but he felt two snouts push their way out from each.
And there they were, two great and terrible wolves, built from shimmering water.
“Go to her! NOW!” his father shouted, turning to face the wolves.
The boy opened the door and fled out, but one of the wolves gave chase. He could hear its wet footfalls splashing off the ground and as it drew closer it gave of a gurgling howl.
He reached his Grandmothers cottage and desperately threw open the door, forcing it to closed against the drenched padding of the wolf.
And there she sat in her old wicker chair, staring in him rather than at.
“Why did you do this to me?” he asked her. “I was nothing but kind to you”
“You did nothing but lie to me” she said.
“But I just wanted to make you happy”
“Who could be happy with a lie?”
“Please help me. Change back whatever it was you did”
“I can’t.”
“I hate you! I hate you so much!”
There was a loud splashing sound outside. The boy cautiously peered out the window. Where the
wolf had been was now a deep, wide puddle. The boy turned to his Grandmother.
“I think you know what you need to do” she said.
He nodded, and made to leave. Before he did however, he turned and stared into her.
“You’re a mean old woman”
She smiled.
“I am” she said
When walking through the village he did his best to say the things he thought his fellow villagers wanted to hear.
“Hello Farmer Blight, your crops are looking healthy and good this year.
“Why thank you my boy” replied the rake thin man.
“Your cream looks so fresh Miss Curdle, what’s your secret?”
“Sun, and plenty of it” She declared confidently.
“Mrs Wrinkles you get younger each day I see you, surely you don’t need that crutch.”
“What a kind child. You remind me of all the suitors that used to call at my door.”
“And I’m sure they still do.”
“Oh you” she said with a girlish giggle and a toss of her frail, chicken neck.
And so it was that the villagers loved the boy and his lying ways, often showering him with all manner of gifts and praises. Indeed it seemed clear to them all that he would grow up to be a great man one day, perhaps a barrister or even a Lord. And if not, then a new mayor was
needed, so strongly did they all care for him.
Except for one. She was a bitter old lady, who took comfort in loneliness and delight in pointing out the flaws of others. She hated the boy, while he in turn was terrified of her. She appeared to look in him rather than at him, and no matter what kind things he said to her she never once smiled. He have would never visited her at all if she hadn’t been his grandmother.
“It’s good to see you again grandmother” the boy would say every time he called, only for her to hit him promptly with her walking stick.
“You’re cottage is looking clean.”
Stick.
“That’s a fine collection of books.”
Stick.
“Father sends his love, and wishes he has time to see you. He misses you so much.”
Stick. Stick. Stick.
The boy would go home, covered in cuts and bruises, blinking back tears.
“What happened to you?” his mother would ask.
“I offered to shoe Grandmothers donkey and he kicked out. It was my own fault.” Each time the boy told a different lie, wanting for his parents to not worry about him. For as you know, his lies were only told to make people happy.
His mother would shake her head at how accident prone he was and gently chide him to be more careful. The boy’s father would remain silent.
But this time, when once again the boy called on his Grandmother, something very different happened. She had baked him a cake, and beseeched him to take a bite while it was still warm.
“It tastes wonderful Grandmother.”
“That’s strange. All that is in it is dirt, hair and ditch water. Now run along boy, go tell your tales.”
The boy did as he was bidden; amazed that he hadn’t been beaten this time. As he walked home he met the woodsman.”
“A fine day is it not?” the boy asked, gesturing up to the overcast skies. His words were slightly mocked by the raindrop he felt spring on his face.
The woodsman smiled at this vague pleasantry, but then his expression quickly turned to fear. He pointed at the boy’s face, who confusedly made to brush away the raindrop. He felt a sudden pain in his finger and brought it away to examine. There were tiny droplets of blood, looking very much like teeth marks.
The boy looked up to see the woodsman roughly brush past him, making the sign to ward off evil as he went. Thinking it had been some sort of beetle, the boy went on.
He came across Mrs Wrinkles, who was now wearing heavy make up and no longer walked with her crutch.
“Looking as lovely as ever” he said.
An even larger raindrop fell on his eye, and he felt it spring from his cheek. He blinked and rubbed his face to clear his blurry vision. He heard Mrs Wrinkle cry out and when he was finally able to look he saw her on the ground, bleeding.
“Get away from me!” she screamed at him.
Fearfully the boy ran home, slamming the door behind him when he entered.
“What’s wrong?” his mother asked, brought to the commotion by all the noise”
“Nothings wrong mother, don’t worry.”
How could it rain indoors? More water blinded his vision and the boy felt something spring from his face. His mother cried out and there was stamping and snarling. When he could once again see he saw his father standing in front of his mother, deep scratches and bites all down his arms. On the floor was a broad puddle of water.
“Why is this happening? Why!?”
His father looked at him. “Did you cross your Grandmother?”
Old habits are hard to be rid of, especially ones we have had our entire lives. “Of course not, I love her.”
The boy felt his eyes being squeezed dry, and it seemed something massive and wild was trying to jump from them. He shut his lids tightly to cut it off, but he felt two snouts push their way out from each.
And there they were, two great and terrible wolves, built from shimmering water.
“Go to her! NOW!” his father shouted, turning to face the wolves.
The boy opened the door and fled out, but one of the wolves gave chase. He could hear its wet footfalls splashing off the ground and as it drew closer it gave of a gurgling howl.
He reached his Grandmothers cottage and desperately threw open the door, forcing it to closed against the drenched padding of the wolf.
And there she sat in her old wicker chair, staring in him rather than at.
“Why did you do this to me?” he asked her. “I was nothing but kind to you”
“You did nothing but lie to me” she said.
“But I just wanted to make you happy”
“Who could be happy with a lie?”
“Please help me. Change back whatever it was you did”
“I can’t.”
“I hate you! I hate you so much!”
There was a loud splashing sound outside. The boy cautiously peered out the window. Where the
wolf had been was now a deep, wide puddle. The boy turned to his Grandmother.
“I think you know what you need to do” she said.
He nodded, and made to leave. Before he did however, he turned and stared into her.
“You’re a mean old woman”
She smiled.
“I am” she said
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
just think of that view
Do you ever feel like the current level of coolness at which you are currently standing at is just a few rungs down from where you would ideally pefer to be?
Also I overheard a girl bitch about her ex to her friends and boy are we men bastards
Also I overheard a girl bitch about her ex to her friends and boy are we men bastards
Monday, 1 March 2010
we're at that stage
There comes a time in everyones relationship, and there is no telling when or indeed where it might be, yet it will inevitably happen that your better half ends up filming you while you're alseep just to prove that you do indeed snore.
which is why i'm not allowed to sleep on my back
which is why i'm not allowed to sleep on my back
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Communicating Last Wishes
He beckoned me close, and whispered words in my ear. Then he died, and I walked out of that room and into this room where they had been sitting, leaning and standing. We were all clad in white robes, as was the custom when someone had passed or was soon expected to, excepting Jennifer who had come straight from work.
I told them what had happened.
Then I said this.
“That is why I am standing here now, to say exactly as he did to me. And from there we can decide. His instructions were very specific so I don’t expect that reaching a decision will be overly difficult”
I looked to my right.
“First of all…David, I’m sorry, but he said that although he liked you well enough, he never really loved you. He didn’t say it out of anger or malice, only truth. Perhaps it’s just down to the way you are, or the way he was or some combination of the two. Whatever the reason, he said you weren’t to worry about it. As money has never been an issue for you, and you have spent much of your life successfully employed in various middle management jobs at various fast food franchises, none of his own fortune was dedicated to you. However, knowing your love of travel and adventure, he did leave you both his hot air balloon and his Kawasaki JS400 jet ski, upon the condition that you utilize both in an elaborate stunt of which he left specific diagrams detailing”
David looked confused and tired, as he always did. But he nodded anyway. A few tears ran down his face, hugging its crevices. Like the tears he was always willing to follow the path of least resistance.
I looked towards the largest chair, which contained the smallest and frailest person of the group.
“Sarah, he was married to you for forty two years, and said the good parts of it far outweighed the bad. He definitely did love you, and his biggest regret was keeping that small piece of himself away from you as he did with everyone else. He though he needed that piece as security, something that would remain whole should circumstances end up breaking other parts of him. But at the very end it only served to burden him. He also said that you should consider yourself free of any obligations that you might feel you have towards him, and act only in a way that will bring you the most happiness. To you he has left the mansion, and all possessions contained within, barring those that were dedicated elsewhere”
The woman stared numbly through her glasses with equally glassy eyes. She was in no condition to say anything. However, the attractive young lady to her right made as if to speak. I had expected her to be more reserved, what with being a nurse at the geriatric ward and presumably used to the solemnity of death. I immediately cut her off, needing to maintain my flow.
“He knew about your affair Jennifer, and keeping it a secret hurt him. Although he never met your husband no man deserves to be lied to in such a way. That was all he said about you, excepting the $50, 00000 in personal assets that were set aside for you”
Her eyes widened in a satisfying manner, and she bit her lip. Firm as my resolution had been, I found it hard not to be aroused by the sight. I quickly turned away and faced a man whose face resembled that of a decomposing bulldog.
“To his loyal butler and lifelong companion Benson Sévantman, faithful since the day he was born he gives you his deluxe Monopoly set that the two of you enjoyed so many games of together upon a dreary autumn afternoon. The only exception to this is the get out of jail free card, which he has elected to be buried with.”
Any change in expression produced by this information was impossible to gauge. Some of the folds shifted in what might have either been a wry smile or a bitter grimace.
“Arnold, you know as well as anyone the odd sort of humour he had. It was common knowledge that you were only hired as gardener because of your diminutive stature and your resemblance to the traditional depiction of folklore gnomes. Yet many, including yourself I suspect viewed any indignities upon you as…small price to pay for your uncommonly large salary. For you, he left his Canadian Gold mine, providing that you yourself act as employee there. Fortunately no particular position was specified, so I’m sure you could some find comfortable executive slot to fill”
An uncontrolled fit of coughing suddenly gripped me and it felt as if I was bringing up myself from within. It was a terrible sensation that lasted an age. Jennifer began to rise to my aid, but I regained my composure and waved her away.
I paused, and walked over to a counter where a bottle of Catdaddy corn whisky sat, complete with adjacent tumblers. I poured myself a generous measure, not regarding it as impolite given the circumstances. Several of the other people in the room already had beverages, and in fact I regarded it as poor hosting that I had not already been offered one.
I sipped slowly, my taste buds noting with some surprise the slight medicinal taste. But there were more important tasks for it right now.
“These were his last wishes, his dying request. It is well known that he never intended at any point in his life to write a will or other legal documents detailing the distribution of his estates. He never really trusted the written word, after all that business with library card form and the federal agency”
“I don’t know why he chose me for his last conversation, one sided as it was. He was always such a difficult man to understand. But while he often kept his motives secret and his actions obscure, the successes they yielded are as plain as the mahogany furniture in this room. Belief and trust are things not readily won, and it would be wrong of me to automatically expect them from you. I leave it entirely up to you if you wish to act upon the things I have said. The things that he in turn said to me. The only thing I can do is offer you all my deepest sympathies. I’m not just saying this. I’m meaning it, which is something people seldom do with the words from their mouths”
I looked at each of their faces intently, excepting Jennifer whose body I looked at intently. A knowing glance passed between us.
That glance didn’t last though, because so many other stares were crossing its path and following the trail back to my own eyes. I began to feel uncomfortable under all this attention and sat down in one of those thick mahogany chairs that I had just been speaking about.
Sarah began muttering something, the first sound any other person had made so far. I strained to hear her.
“Shitcuntfuckcuntwhosaywhosawwhoyou”
The words, or word as it was spoken so quickly and without pause took me aback somewhat, but it was always said that there was a history of mental illness in the family. And if anything could break a mind the death of someone you loved would.
Fortunately Jennifer rose to the occasion and from her seat. She approached me and took the nearby bottle of Catdaddy, pouring a small measure which she then handed to the poor woman. She helped her sip it and it immediately caused Sarah to quieten down. Tonic for the catatonic I thought to myself.
Jennifer looked up from her nursing of Sarah and shot me a disapproving look. She came up to me and led me away from the others. We stood in the corner, just on the cusp of each other’s personal space.
“That wasn’t a kind thing to say” she said in an unkind voice.
“I wasn’t aware that I had spoken” I said, honestly.
“That has always been one of your problems”
“We all have our problems” I said. “Problems with control and problems with marriages. I only have one of those. You have both”
I wondered if I had pushed too far, but she only sighed a little and nodded.
“I love you” she said. “I wish I didn’t but I do”
Privately I thought she only loved the idea of being in love, as was the case with most people. I found loving a lot more difficult. I wasn’t even sure if I loved my mother. Yet I thought that maybe, slowly and surely I was beginning to love this woman.
I decided that now was the time to reveal my plan to her.
“We could leave here,” I said. “Elope from dreary lives to distant lands. Why with the fortune you’ve been mysteriously and conveniently left we would no longer have to live in a world of lowered ceilings and defeated horizons”
Her eyes moistened “Nothing would make me happier than if you were able to leave this place. But you’re sick. And we can’t let you go until you get better”
“Don’t you mean that you can’t let me go?”
Jennifer looked down and nodded. But what she said was true enough. I had been feeling very poorly as of late, and a great deal of my time was spent either sleeping or resting. In fact this perpetual convalescence was beginning to wear quite thin with me.
As if on queue another bought terrible coughing returned, causing me to double up. The pain was both distant and intense. Jennifer quickly brought me a chair, a spindly metal thing, and lowered me into it. I’d rather have had one of those rich mahogany ones but they appeared to have been taken away. Only these cheap mass produced things remained.
Jennifer brought me something to drink and I took a deep draught of the Catdaddy whisky, the crystal tumbler feeling oddly like plastic. It steadied my body, lowering my convulsions to a mere shudder.
I held myself and began rocking back and forth, huddled in my white robe.
“I wish to leave” I said quietly.
“You can’t” said the nurse.
I told them what had happened.
Then I said this.
“That is why I am standing here now, to say exactly as he did to me. And from there we can decide. His instructions were very specific so I don’t expect that reaching a decision will be overly difficult”
I looked to my right.
“First of all…David, I’m sorry, but he said that although he liked you well enough, he never really loved you. He didn’t say it out of anger or malice, only truth. Perhaps it’s just down to the way you are, or the way he was or some combination of the two. Whatever the reason, he said you weren’t to worry about it. As money has never been an issue for you, and you have spent much of your life successfully employed in various middle management jobs at various fast food franchises, none of his own fortune was dedicated to you. However, knowing your love of travel and adventure, he did leave you both his hot air balloon and his Kawasaki JS400 jet ski, upon the condition that you utilize both in an elaborate stunt of which he left specific diagrams detailing”
David looked confused and tired, as he always did. But he nodded anyway. A few tears ran down his face, hugging its crevices. Like the tears he was always willing to follow the path of least resistance.
I looked towards the largest chair, which contained the smallest and frailest person of the group.
“Sarah, he was married to you for forty two years, and said the good parts of it far outweighed the bad. He definitely did love you, and his biggest regret was keeping that small piece of himself away from you as he did with everyone else. He though he needed that piece as security, something that would remain whole should circumstances end up breaking other parts of him. But at the very end it only served to burden him. He also said that you should consider yourself free of any obligations that you might feel you have towards him, and act only in a way that will bring you the most happiness. To you he has left the mansion, and all possessions contained within, barring those that were dedicated elsewhere”
The woman stared numbly through her glasses with equally glassy eyes. She was in no condition to say anything. However, the attractive young lady to her right made as if to speak. I had expected her to be more reserved, what with being a nurse at the geriatric ward and presumably used to the solemnity of death. I immediately cut her off, needing to maintain my flow.
“He knew about your affair Jennifer, and keeping it a secret hurt him. Although he never met your husband no man deserves to be lied to in such a way. That was all he said about you, excepting the $50, 00000 in personal assets that were set aside for you”
Her eyes widened in a satisfying manner, and she bit her lip. Firm as my resolution had been, I found it hard not to be aroused by the sight. I quickly turned away and faced a man whose face resembled that of a decomposing bulldog.
“To his loyal butler and lifelong companion Benson Sévantman, faithful since the day he was born he gives you his deluxe Monopoly set that the two of you enjoyed so many games of together upon a dreary autumn afternoon. The only exception to this is the get out of jail free card, which he has elected to be buried with.”
Any change in expression produced by this information was impossible to gauge. Some of the folds shifted in what might have either been a wry smile or a bitter grimace.
“Arnold, you know as well as anyone the odd sort of humour he had. It was common knowledge that you were only hired as gardener because of your diminutive stature and your resemblance to the traditional depiction of folklore gnomes. Yet many, including yourself I suspect viewed any indignities upon you as…small price to pay for your uncommonly large salary. For you, he left his Canadian Gold mine, providing that you yourself act as employee there. Fortunately no particular position was specified, so I’m sure you could some find comfortable executive slot to fill”
An uncontrolled fit of coughing suddenly gripped me and it felt as if I was bringing up myself from within. It was a terrible sensation that lasted an age. Jennifer began to rise to my aid, but I regained my composure and waved her away.
I paused, and walked over to a counter where a bottle of Catdaddy corn whisky sat, complete with adjacent tumblers. I poured myself a generous measure, not regarding it as impolite given the circumstances. Several of the other people in the room already had beverages, and in fact I regarded it as poor hosting that I had not already been offered one.
I sipped slowly, my taste buds noting with some surprise the slight medicinal taste. But there were more important tasks for it right now.
“These were his last wishes, his dying request. It is well known that he never intended at any point in his life to write a will or other legal documents detailing the distribution of his estates. He never really trusted the written word, after all that business with library card form and the federal agency”
“I don’t know why he chose me for his last conversation, one sided as it was. He was always such a difficult man to understand. But while he often kept his motives secret and his actions obscure, the successes they yielded are as plain as the mahogany furniture in this room. Belief and trust are things not readily won, and it would be wrong of me to automatically expect them from you. I leave it entirely up to you if you wish to act upon the things I have said. The things that he in turn said to me. The only thing I can do is offer you all my deepest sympathies. I’m not just saying this. I’m meaning it, which is something people seldom do with the words from their mouths”
I looked at each of their faces intently, excepting Jennifer whose body I looked at intently. A knowing glance passed between us.
That glance didn’t last though, because so many other stares were crossing its path and following the trail back to my own eyes. I began to feel uncomfortable under all this attention and sat down in one of those thick mahogany chairs that I had just been speaking about.
Sarah began muttering something, the first sound any other person had made so far. I strained to hear her.
“Shitcuntfuckcuntwhosaywhosawwhoyou”
The words, or word as it was spoken so quickly and without pause took me aback somewhat, but it was always said that there was a history of mental illness in the family. And if anything could break a mind the death of someone you loved would.
Fortunately Jennifer rose to the occasion and from her seat. She approached me and took the nearby bottle of Catdaddy, pouring a small measure which she then handed to the poor woman. She helped her sip it and it immediately caused Sarah to quieten down. Tonic for the catatonic I thought to myself.
Jennifer looked up from her nursing of Sarah and shot me a disapproving look. She came up to me and led me away from the others. We stood in the corner, just on the cusp of each other’s personal space.
“That wasn’t a kind thing to say” she said in an unkind voice.
“I wasn’t aware that I had spoken” I said, honestly.
“That has always been one of your problems”
“We all have our problems” I said. “Problems with control and problems with marriages. I only have one of those. You have both”
I wondered if I had pushed too far, but she only sighed a little and nodded.
“I love you” she said. “I wish I didn’t but I do”
Privately I thought she only loved the idea of being in love, as was the case with most people. I found loving a lot more difficult. I wasn’t even sure if I loved my mother. Yet I thought that maybe, slowly and surely I was beginning to love this woman.
I decided that now was the time to reveal my plan to her.
“We could leave here,” I said. “Elope from dreary lives to distant lands. Why with the fortune you’ve been mysteriously and conveniently left we would no longer have to live in a world of lowered ceilings and defeated horizons”
Her eyes moistened “Nothing would make me happier than if you were able to leave this place. But you’re sick. And we can’t let you go until you get better”
“Don’t you mean that you can’t let me go?”
Jennifer looked down and nodded. But what she said was true enough. I had been feeling very poorly as of late, and a great deal of my time was spent either sleeping or resting. In fact this perpetual convalescence was beginning to wear quite thin with me.
As if on queue another bought terrible coughing returned, causing me to double up. The pain was both distant and intense. Jennifer quickly brought me a chair, a spindly metal thing, and lowered me into it. I’d rather have had one of those rich mahogany ones but they appeared to have been taken away. Only these cheap mass produced things remained.
Jennifer brought me something to drink and I took a deep draught of the Catdaddy whisky, the crystal tumbler feeling oddly like plastic. It steadied my body, lowering my convulsions to a mere shudder.
I held myself and began rocking back and forth, huddled in my white robe.
“I wish to leave” I said quietly.
“You can’t” said the nurse.
Monday, 15 February 2010
typing "awesome" into ebay search just to kill time
People often ask me "Robert, what was your favourite saturday morning cartoon featuring a hollywood celebrity" and I invariably answer "why Jackie Chan Adventures of course" with it's colourful blend of characters and rich emmersive plotlines few shows could match it for viewing pleasure
Friday, 5 February 2010
Generic party chat
Have nothing to say at parties? feel like the social outcast? sitting alone in the corner watching the jackets? Fear not! with these general phrases and ice breakers you'll soon find yourself the heart of any party.
Ain’t nothing but a chicken wing
Livin it large and keeping it fresh
Shit gets real, I get shittin
Lets score coconuts to sip rum outta them
Dude you can totally see her over the shoulder boulder holder through that top
I’m just gonna freestyle it tonight
When you talk shit, means your full of shit
Wanna go out and buy a novelty cake?
I dunno man, there’s enough hot dog here to end up in anybodies bun
If you gonna stick it to the man, better wear protection
I’ll go where I please, and please where I go
The frosty jacks fair game, anything else merits a courtesy call
Twisters no more gay than slow mo rugby
No one do lines where folk gotta piss
Bathroom locks just a dumb idea man. People could die
Why we playin dance music when there’s nowhere to mufa fuckin dance
You so crazy, I think I wanna have your babies
You freak out that easy you aint gonna last the night
It’s a marathon, not a race
Every drink tastes better when its been set on fire-that’s like science
Power naps are cool cause they got the word power in them
If you spew you gotta clean it up-that’s like the law
Dude your totally red baroning-she’s gonna shoot you down in FLAMES
Drinking games? Man it aint no game-tis serious business
This shits lamer than free view porn
She’d even be a MILF when the baby was comin out
Ain’t nothing but a chicken wing
Livin it large and keeping it fresh
Shit gets real, I get shittin
Lets score coconuts to sip rum outta them
Dude you can totally see her over the shoulder boulder holder through that top
I’m just gonna freestyle it tonight
When you talk shit, means your full of shit
Wanna go out and buy a novelty cake?
I dunno man, there’s enough hot dog here to end up in anybodies bun
If you gonna stick it to the man, better wear protection
I’ll go where I please, and please where I go
The frosty jacks fair game, anything else merits a courtesy call
Twisters no more gay than slow mo rugby
No one do lines where folk gotta piss
Bathroom locks just a dumb idea man. People could die
Why we playin dance music when there’s nowhere to mufa fuckin dance
You so crazy, I think I wanna have your babies
You freak out that easy you aint gonna last the night
It’s a marathon, not a race
Every drink tastes better when its been set on fire-that’s like science
Power naps are cool cause they got the word power in them
If you spew you gotta clean it up-that’s like the law
Dude your totally red baroning-she’s gonna shoot you down in FLAMES
Drinking games? Man it aint no game-tis serious business
This shits lamer than free view porn
She’d even be a MILF when the baby was comin out
Look whose Tapping
Mummy sat on the couch, looking sick and tired and fat and happy.
“Come and feel this Robbie-bobby” she said to me.
I do as she says, though I don’t really want to. I never mind people touching me, but I don’t like to touch them.
I put my hand on her tummy slow, in case she bursts. She moves it to where she wants it to be, and I feel the bump bump, like someone is knocking on a door inside her.
“That’s your little brother” Mummy says. “He’s saying hi to us”
This makes touching her ok, as it feels like he is the one trying to touch me. I put my ear to her tummy and listen. Her belly button is like the hole of the sea shell from St Andrews. I hear the ocean rush in it, and then I feel my ear being kicked. I back away, thinking my little brother will be a lot like my big one.
“Maybe he’s trying to tell you something in Morse code” says Daddy, who has been watching us over his paper. He then tells me what Morse code is and I try beeping S.O.S. It works, and I know what I am beeping even though it makes no sense to mummy and daddy. They might be grown up but they aren’t smart a lot of the time.
·
Later I wake up. Its night and it’s noisy. Everyone snores but me. I get up to pee. Even though I could pee anywhere I pee in the toilet. I step down the hall and listen at their door. Daddy has a loud steady snore, like one from T.V. Mummy’s snore is amazing. She sounds like she is cutting farts with a chainsaw. They both sleep so heavy because they have to, and because they love each other, so I don’t worry about waking them.
I wonder if my little brother is snoring too. He’s probably awake, with all that noise so close. I walk into their room and stand by my Mummy. I put my head on her tummy and listen through the covers.
The thuds come, gentle and hard, dots and dashes. My brother is trying to tell me something, and I use my Morse code to work it out.
Soft soft soft hard hard hard soft soft soft. S.O.S. he’s asking for help.
I tab a message on the tummy back to him “are you ok?”
“Hello?” he says, or kicks. “Can you get me out of here?”
“I don’t think so,” I tap back. “I think you have a few months to go.”
“Sentenced to nine months jail without even a trial. Life isn’t fair sometimes.”
“I’m sorry” I tap
“Oh well. What’s it like out there anyway. I don’t want to discover I’m trading one prison in for another.”
I look around the small dark room that smells like my Mummy and Daddy when they smell.
“It’s ok” I tap. “What’s you’re name?”
But all this tapping has finally woken up my Mummy and she tells me in an angry voice to go back to bed.
·
Sometime later my little brother is born and when he comes home we all gathers around. My mummy and daddy haven’t thought of what to call him yet.
“His name’s Jamie” I say, wondering again why they aren’t always very smart.
“Come and feel this Robbie-bobby” she said to me.
I do as she says, though I don’t really want to. I never mind people touching me, but I don’t like to touch them.
I put my hand on her tummy slow, in case she bursts. She moves it to where she wants it to be, and I feel the bump bump, like someone is knocking on a door inside her.
“That’s your little brother” Mummy says. “He’s saying hi to us”
This makes touching her ok, as it feels like he is the one trying to touch me. I put my ear to her tummy and listen. Her belly button is like the hole of the sea shell from St Andrews. I hear the ocean rush in it, and then I feel my ear being kicked. I back away, thinking my little brother will be a lot like my big one.
“Maybe he’s trying to tell you something in Morse code” says Daddy, who has been watching us over his paper. He then tells me what Morse code is and I try beeping S.O.S. It works, and I know what I am beeping even though it makes no sense to mummy and daddy. They might be grown up but they aren’t smart a lot of the time.
·
Later I wake up. Its night and it’s noisy. Everyone snores but me. I get up to pee. Even though I could pee anywhere I pee in the toilet. I step down the hall and listen at their door. Daddy has a loud steady snore, like one from T.V. Mummy’s snore is amazing. She sounds like she is cutting farts with a chainsaw. They both sleep so heavy because they have to, and because they love each other, so I don’t worry about waking them.
I wonder if my little brother is snoring too. He’s probably awake, with all that noise so close. I walk into their room and stand by my Mummy. I put my head on her tummy and listen through the covers.
The thuds come, gentle and hard, dots and dashes. My brother is trying to tell me something, and I use my Morse code to work it out.
Soft soft soft hard hard hard soft soft soft. S.O.S. he’s asking for help.
I tab a message on the tummy back to him “are you ok?”
“Hello?” he says, or kicks. “Can you get me out of here?”
“I don’t think so,” I tap back. “I think you have a few months to go.”
“Sentenced to nine months jail without even a trial. Life isn’t fair sometimes.”
“I’m sorry” I tap
“Oh well. What’s it like out there anyway. I don’t want to discover I’m trading one prison in for another.”
I look around the small dark room that smells like my Mummy and Daddy when they smell.
“It’s ok” I tap. “What’s you’re name?”
But all this tapping has finally woken up my Mummy and she tells me in an angry voice to go back to bed.
·
Sometime later my little brother is born and when he comes home we all gathers around. My mummy and daddy haven’t thought of what to call him yet.
“His name’s Jamie” I say, wondering again why they aren’t always very smart.
Thursday, 4 February 2010
Ebays Ebitch
I spent all my Valentines money on yugioh cards from ebay.
As we are often heard to say in these parts-"There is no possible way that this could end badly"
As we are often heard to say in these parts-"There is no possible way that this could end badly"
Farcical Hair
I shaved my beard off.
It was lonely so it took some skin
with it.
It would't go down the sink
because it was too big
So tried flushing it down
the toilet, but
it just danced on the cresting
foam, riding out the wave
and coming out the tunnel
like a pro surfer
I scooped it out and tried to throw
it in the bin but
it clung to my hand like a
frightened infant
Eventually i unclasped its
many fingers and went out to
buy milk
BUT! my face was so cold
so i went back home
and opened the bin
and now i have a beard again
It was lonely so it took some skin
with it.
It would't go down the sink
because it was too big
So tried flushing it down
the toilet, but
it just danced on the cresting
foam, riding out the wave
and coming out the tunnel
like a pro surfer
I scooped it out and tried to throw
it in the bin but
it clung to my hand like a
frightened infant
Eventually i unclasped its
many fingers and went out to
buy milk
BUT! my face was so cold
so i went back home
and opened the bin
and now i have a beard again
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Damnit!
You think your on to a sweet ass idea like opening the first metrosexual gym and calling it "Pecs and the City" but of course somebody already bet you to the punch. ever get there feeling theres too many people in the world having great ideas just moments before you do?
Damnit!
on the plus i totally did 100 push ups yesterday-despite consuming a reasonable amount of alcohol
Damnit!
on the plus i totally did 100 push ups yesterday-despite consuming a reasonable amount of alcohol
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Trying to stave off melancholy by doing push ups
Man soon as the good weather gets here i'm gonna round up the troops and we gonna play the shit outta some frisbee.
Totally emailed the first draft of dissertation so suck on that bitches
Totally emailed the first draft of dissertation so suck on that bitches
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Day of 100 Push Ups
The Day of 100 push ups is in point of fact tommorrow (wednesday january 26th 2010)
In the course of the entire day you must fill the afore mentioned quota of push ups. You can break it down in whatever way you wish but all 100 must be completed before the stroke of midnight.
you are not obliged to be monitored, though feel free to aquire witnesses to your potential triumph. The Day of 100 push ups relies entirely upon the honour system. if you lie, you lie only to yourself.
The only reward on offer is personal satisfaction and the ability to boldly proclaim, "yeah babe, did 100 push ups in a day once, wanna touch my guns?"
good luck and god speed
In the course of the entire day you must fill the afore mentioned quota of push ups. You can break it down in whatever way you wish but all 100 must be completed before the stroke of midnight.
you are not obliged to be monitored, though feel free to aquire witnesses to your potential triumph. The Day of 100 push ups relies entirely upon the honour system. if you lie, you lie only to yourself.
The only reward on offer is personal satisfaction and the ability to boldly proclaim, "yeah babe, did 100 push ups in a day once, wanna touch my guns?"
good luck and god speed
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